SEX IN THE COUNTRYSIDE. and Love on the Stable Yard
A Comparison to Sex in the City.

What is the true state of Affairs?
 City secretaries might imagine the countryside to be full of strapping farm-hands effortlessly flinging bales of hay onto wagons, whilst chatting up rosy-cheeked apple-pickers. They think of dainty milk-maids flirting with brawny farmers in the hay shed. And we can all see the old painings, where farm-work was very sociable, if hard. But what is the reality, today, in the day of the tractor, the silage-bale and the artificial inseminator? Do gamekeepers still model themselves on Lady Chatterley’s lover?
We have been prompted to conduct a survey amongst country-workers to see how they fare as to affairs at work.

Field-sports workers.

A spokeswoman for the Beaters Union said she could only speak for beaters and not for picker-uppers.
According to the spokeswoman 0.2% of beaters have managed to have an affair at work. She claims the main problems are an unfortunate combination of unbecoming clothing (water-proof trousers, treble pullovers, etc.), constant rain and un-prepossessing surroundings such as damp maize-crops which are unlikely venues for romance. She also says that there are practical difficulties, such as stuck zippers, a lack of privacy and too many wet spaniels about. The Editor hesitates to mention the average age of the participants for fear of not being totally Politically Correct.

  Game keepers
  Some of the older beaters remember Lady Chatterly’s lover, Oliver Mellors, her game   -keeper... And some younger ones may have seen the BBC series. Now, obviously, if  you study Beating Line properly, you will see that no self - respecting game-keeper can be called Oliver. Olly, pehaps...But it’s just not quite macho enough. If he had been called Rodney it would all have been better.
  But , there is a British tradition that game-keepers are sexy... And yes, they seem to be   trying to prove it. They all endure blizzards in tweeds and shirtsleeves.. They attact pretty women as wives and beget attractive off-spring, on the whole.
So, all we can say here, is that perhaps there is something in Lady Chatterly, even in this modern, un-romantic age. But all the gamekeepers so far interviewed categorically denied having affairs. Ever. Especially in the gossipy atmosphere of the beater-wagon. They are very wise, perhaps.And maybe a fine lady is more attractive than a condom-suited beatress....

Hunt Staff.

  89% of hunt staff admit to having had affairs with     members of the hunting-field but they all claim that the affairs have not been conducted in the work-place. The main problem with their place of work, according to a spokesman for whippers-in, is the fact of being in full view of the field and the difficulty of holding the horses. Yet again, the clothing, whilst attractive, is very difficult to remove, particularly the boots. Putting it back on again is also problematic, the tying of stocks, without a mirror, was mentioned as being rather difficult .For huntsmen there is the added problem of controlling hounds. Yet again, our Editor does not wish to draw any attention whatsoever to the age of the whippers-in. No one must reach age-related conclusions.

 Milk-maids.No English milk-maid could be found for this survey.

 Two dairy-workers from the Czech Republic giggled and said this was their reason for coming to England. It was, however, uncertain if they meant work, sex or Englishmen or a combination thereof.
  The girls added that England had proved very expensive and that they were going home soon.
 An English relief-milker claimed to be too tired from unsociable working hours to have had sex for years, let alone affairs

Artificial Inseminators.
 Only one A.I. man could be located for questioning. Sadly, he was deeply offended by our surveyor’s questions and walked off in a huff, only commenting that he had had enough of those sort of jokes.

Shepherds.
Formely Shepherds were clearly considered fanciable
but things have changed with the advent of New Zealand lamb, the populaity of vegetarian food and so forth. Nowadays there are not many shepherds left and the clean and immaculate, but rather dreamy looking type seen on the left is rare, these days. The remaining shepherds are frequently hard to understand, speaking, as they do, Welsh or Scottish. They are frequently followed around by wet and very devoted Border collies as they go about their duties, on 4-wheel bikes. More female tourists are thought to fancy Greek fishermen than Welsh shepherds, possibly because Greek fishermen are seldom accompanied by snarling collies. Shepherds nowadays appear to have a slight image-problem. Or it could be the lingering smell of foot-rot?
  Below is a photo of what appears to be a Greek Fisherman, but no, it turns out that it is an Egyptian Casual Worker who is fishing in Greece. It pays better there. What’s new? And is he sexy? What is his age? And would his condom-suit impress our beatressess? I fear the answer may be a resounding NO.

Well, as we all know, really, it is a matter of LOCATION, LOCATION...

Lambing assistants

    The survey was carried out at the wrong time of year for there to be many lambing assistants about. A stressed-looking assistant was found in a lambing-pen and commented that night-work and a lack of washing facilities made affairs unthinkable. After studying the assistant’s hands as they emerged from the ewe’s innards it was easy to appreciate the problem.Healt and Safety might like a word...Romantic it was not!

Egyptian Seasonal Workers fshing in Greece, Photo by Thrasy Petropoulos.

a real Greek Fisherman

Photos of lambing assistants to follow shortly...After everyone has had a bath.

Horticultural workers.

Casual workers, planters, pickers etc.

It proved hard to find a representative worker from this category, as they move around the country so much. After much searching, a foreign spokesperson for planter-women was found. All she cared to say was that England would need to get a damned sight warmer first

Travelling Salesmen.

A representative for the travelling Salesmen suggested that about 40% of travelling salesmen had affairs in the course of their work and that the remaining 60% wished that they did .He did claim to belong to the latter percentage, due to a shortage of attractive members of the opposite sex on farms and the already mentioned difficulties with finding anyone at home.

photo showing casual workers at,Exmoor Blueberries

Foreign planter-woman hard a twork at ,Exmoor Blueberries

Our photographer, A Ratcliff, managed to locate one of the travelling salesmen for long enough to take his photo, see left. He seemed very cheerful but avoided the questions about affairs most skilfully..

Farriers.
 Being young, strong and occasionally handsome, farriers have become the sex-gods of the country-side and frequently feature in nude calendars. They are also a popular item at charity auctions, where they offer their services to the highest bidder.
 An interview was arranged with a farrier in order to throw some light on these matters. The farrier failed to turn up and did not answer his mobile phone. It is generally believed, amongst country people, that farriers have a multitude of affairs. Anyone who has ever tried to get hold of one remains slightly doubtful, however, as farriers are as elusive as nightingales.

This is beleieved to be a fermentation of farriers, photogprapher sadly unknown.

A young spokesperson from Nags, the organisation for girl-grooms was very happy to help with the survey. According to her, 250% of girl-grooms have affairs, this remarkable percentage being due to having at least one boyfriend each and frequently seeing the farrier, vet or other male visitor to the yard as well. Affairs with the employer/or husband are also considered normal, according to the spokesperson. Venues are more easily found for these horse-workers as modern horse-boxes are very comfortable. The rocking horse-boxes frequently seen at show-grounds may possibly have other explanations than fretting horses. The hay-barn has become obsolete, we are informed. It is full of unromantic plastic silage bales these days.This is just as well as most girl-grooms suffer from hay fever and allergies.

    It does appear that the work has always been demanding and the Grooms have had to be very fit. The average age of Grooms these days is perhaps 23. The Editor is happy to listen to our readers opinions on that one. But , yet again, it is easy to draw age related conclusions.As this is not politically correct Gamebird refrains from doing so.

Conclusion.
 All in all, it seems that very little sex takes place in the countryside . This is perhaps due to the fact that the country workers cannot afford to live in the country any more. It is possible that all the travelling to and from work and less agreeable surroundings have affected them. Wet dogs appear to hamper a surprising number of people in their romantic endeavours. Perhaps the work of country folk is also harder and more demanding than that of their office worker equivalents. Or are they possibly just more faithful? Or are they all lying??
We also think age may be something to do with it, but it is not for us to say.

This concludes our Sex in the Countryside Survey.But stay with us, more news is to follow from the country’s many stables.

 The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
  The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My bike...'

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone elses bicycle!

Gamebird is currently surveying the sex-situation in Stable Yards, a report has started, click on Love on the Stableyard. Stable-yards are the busiest places in the country-side these days and after the encouraging replies from girl-grooms we feel very curious as to the various rumours about event-riders and dressage riders. And is Jilly Cooper right about the Show-jumpers? Horse and Hound claims that show-jumping horses knicker with pleasure when they greet their attendants...Are all the male show-riders really gay? What about dressage? And the Event riders, they seem a fit and lively bunch.