Love on the Stable Yard: 20.11.10
 Showjumping,is Jilly Cooper right? The Jockeys, fancy the flat or jumping type?

Whilst we have seen in Sex in the Countryside that the British countryside is rather lacking in adventures in this modern day and age, we will now visit the stableyards.
If you read our guide first, you should be able to find just the right type of stable for your horse’s and your own requirements..

 The Stableyards are full of life:
There are owners, riders, agents, dealers, vets, farriers, psychotherapists, sport psychologists, foreign lads and lasses, trainers, travelling head lads, non travelling head lads, box drivers..

The list goes on and on. Surely all these people must have a lot of fun and many sexy adventures together? We shall find out!

Top Riders such as Oliver Townend, may seem a bit dull and have sturdy legs.. But, far from it, Oliver just adores showing those legs off in his dream outfit, a Tutu. We have heard reports that he also likes pole dancing, whilst wearing this fetching outfit. 
According to Eventing Magazine, Italian rider Giovanni Ugolotti wears a lacy bra underhis coat. It must be lucky, he recently won an HSBC award, which should keep him in underwear for the foreseeable future. Paul Tapner, another leading rider, prefer his red socks. His admirers claim he never takes them off, nor his red underpants, but we have no way of checking this information.

We do hope to be able to produce a photo of the underwear preferred by the leading riders very soon.
Strapless bras sit well on the male body shape, we have been informed. Underwired bras are to be avoided by male riders, the wires may cause accidents. It is very true that they are also uncomfortable for female riders, but these have no options, only assets..

 Former Favourites: The Veterinary Surgeons.
 In bygone days , some 20 years ago, the Veterinary Profession was the most sought after and attractive on the planet, or at least in the stableyards. James Herriot types dashed around in Landrovers and came to the rescue of colicky horses and lovestruck maidens. .
Unfortunatly the veterinary profession has changed it’s sex and become largely female. This makes it less attractive to the female clientels in the stable-yards.Male vets now prefer television work and shooting tranquillizer darts into wildlife in Exotic locations. 

There is little dashing around to the rescue, the clients now come to modern Equine Clinics for a pletora of scans and x-rays. Vettings for purchases have become harder to pass than obtaining immigrant visas. As can be seen above, not all vets are equally suited to the task of working with wildlife. There are now veterinary nurses to do the dirty day to day handling. Health and Safety insist on helmets and swimwear for internal examinations. These are less sexy and attractive to the clients, who often cow kick .

The results of all the tests and scans will be explained by bossy secretaries, when all the forms have been completed. The clients hopefully look around for Male Senior Partners. The Senior Partners will be engaged on their mobile phones, whilst driving around in smart 4x4’s to make television appearances. These will be timed to the second and charged for, including the visit to the television company.
The female client will return home and explain that the horse failed it’s vetting . The disappointment of not seing a male vet will soon be followed by a bill for £ 400 .
Those determined enough to go out with a male vet will do well to remember where his head might have been earlier,before allowing any undoing of buttons. Females must provide a suitable surface for all activities and another handler, if required. Notes of any irregularities, markings and strange habits will, of course, be taken.

The Show riders proceeed rather slowly and elegantly. They like dressing up and wearing tails and top hats .  There is a substantial amount of cross dressing involved .This takes the shape both of women dressing up as a men and everybody being rather cross if their perfect outfit should sustain any grass stains. There are two problems with sex with show riders.
A. The show riders only like each other. This is because they have insider information as to what sex each other really might be representing. 
B. Showriders always have to be absloutly immaculate so it is not possible to have spontaneous passion .
As can be seen on the right the show riders are divided up according to weight, there are heavy weigths, middle weights and lighntweights available. Basically, the heavier the weight, the slower the pace. Heavyweights need good limbs with at least 10” of bone. That is the measurement below the knee and nothing to do with the American expression ‘boner’.

if any such american boners are to be measured we are very happy to include the show riders’ measurements in this department too.

The The Dresssage riders:
Dressage is now in: Britain is a top Nation and dressage riders are very sought after. They mostly like to go up and down on the spot.Sometimes the execute small circles on the spot, known as piruettes, this makes them face the same way as when they started.
Well, we all know that feeling, you can only try your best, but at the end of the day your’e back in the same spot, having acheived nothing. Dressage riders prefer large animals. These find the small manege or menage hard to handle and require more training than smaller animals would. On the other hand they have a larger movement whilst going nowhere.

The circling and trotting onthe spot takes place in an arena, also known as a menage. In France, a menage is something totally different. The French term for the arena is actually a manege, but it is far safer to say ‘dressage arena’. The words ‘ sand school’ are to be avoided as they imply it is something to do with package holidays. Dressage riders never go on package holidays although they go on the Sunshine Tour.  Then it rains but this is always glossed over by dressage entusiasts who don’t like rain more than cricketers.
At top level there are some male riders. These mostly only like other male riders in Britain.
Female riders are plentiful and accuse each other of being in hollow shape.

 Eventers have to have excellent leg position.

Jilly Cooper finds show-jumpers very sexy. She has probably visited Scandinavia, where there are lots of stunning female show-jumpers.
In Britain, show-jumping has declined in popularity because there is only one type of rider. It is called a Whitaker. This type is not like a Ferrari, it is never recalled for repairs, it just keeps going. This is a very useful brand for show-jumping but not for romance. Whitakers keep to other Whitakers, or possibly other people with unintelligble Yorkshire accents. When interviewved they say the least possible. They just jump, but not into bed with strangers. The youngest female Whitaker, Ellen, is very pretty, but follows in the family hoof prints and says little, if anything.The rider on the right is Malin Baryard, from Scandinavia and she was photographed by Lotta Gyllensten, a very observant and successful photographer.

The tiny flat race variety makes more money, but are often inept at keeping it, putting it into overseas accounts, from where is difficult to extract it for the girl friends. 
The N.H jockeys are prone to brain damage from many concussions but are incredibly brave. Jockeys don’ fancy other jockeys. They have already seen these without clothes, in the changing-rooms. This is frightening, with all those bruises. . Jockeys are obsessed with their weight, which is in the air-mail category. This is difficult for the girl friends, who are never required to make as much as a piece of toast.

There are some girl jockeys. The male jockeys like to sit in behind these and view their bottoms, which are up, but they don’t have the energy for sex with them, as they haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. .