Obviously, these slim, blonde women may be more demanding than your average British D.I.Y livery rider. In Scandinavia, as in France, the Clubs are given grants for indoor schools and the clubs have the most wonderful facilities. Instruction can often be received by well educated trainers from the old Cavalry system. These can be very demanding but have a lot of knowledge behind them, a very long tradition of schooling during the cold snowy winters.

Most of the very many riders and horse-keepersin Scandinavia are indeed female. Our stable-lad would soon get to know a few. The main problem will be that alcohol is very expensive and can only be purchased in a special shop, the Systembolaget, which always closes at the most inconvenient times near to main holidays and celebrations, such as Midsummers Eve. Swedes, of course, learn to work around this sligh hindrance, and are also used to the fact that alcohol costs £10 per sip, minimum.
Our lads would also find eating our very expensive and would, like Swedish youths, resort to the Varm Korv bars , these are sort tof hot-dog stands that are seen in every Swedish town.
There are further problems, Swedes are not known world-wide for their sense of humour. On the other hand, they invent really useful things like the Aga and light-houses and they give out Nobel-prizes to politically correct and worthy winners.
In winter, temepratures go down to minus 30 but the horses are indoors and so are the people who have cosy clean-line Scandinavian flats and houses furnished in Ikea style. They are both warm and lovely, in fact. But, take a good supply of dring for the research.Swedish summers can be lovely. There may be a few mosquitos about but more sunshine and bettr temepratures than in Britain.And those girl riders...

On the left is the 2009 winner, who is male, but possibly not quite the young specimen I had hoped to admire. Nevertheless, he has won two years running so must be congratulated on his leathery bottom. On the right, some of the lovely countryside to be crossed by mostly girls , on their part-arab horses. This sport is very popular with Arabian Sheiks, but they mostly seem to compete in the desert, where it is warmer. Wrapped up in my winter-clothing, in England , in May, I could well understand them. The car affords better room for a picnic, too and maybe a bottle of something. Steak tartare is all very well for Wolfie.
The sport lacks the glamour of eventing or racing. The horses travel in TRAILERS, well, what eventer would be seen in a mere trailer? And they don’t have girl-grooms, they have CREWS, which means husbands. All in all, for romance, my opinion is that you try something else! Unbless you’re blessed with a naturally leathery bottom, then you might as well make use of this asset. And it is an Economy Sport, trailers, cheap saddles, cheap geldings, ponies, anything goes. None of which can be said for eventing.

The Veterinary Surgeons. A report obtained at great expense to Gamebird herself.

 The Veterinary surgeons used to be the Demi Gods of the Countryside and be much doted on by the Girl Grooms, the Farmer's Wives and the Owners of All Animals. We all remember James Herriots and the likeable vets in Yorkshire which we have watched on TV whilst imbibing our mothers’ milk. But, just as the modern NHS doctors bear little resemblance to Dr. Finlay, so the modern Veterinary Surgeons and their work have changed. Romance has gone out of the car-window for both the vets and their customers
 Nowadays most of the Vets are females, which is rather disappointing for most of the the girl-grooms. A lot of the work on farms consists of rather routine and tedious tests for brucellosis and other diseases and informing the farmers that their animals will have to be culled. ('Culling' is the English term for brutal mass-slaughter)
This has led to the farmers losing much of their previous repect for the profession.
 Nowadays, instead of lenghty personal consultations much of the work is interupted by constant calls on the vet's mobile phone. Blood is constantly tested and information from labs sought. This is done from the office, by one of the Secretarys.If a girl-groom is lucky enough to make the aquiantance of a male vet, the owner will be so stressed about the expense of the call-out that little or no romantic progress can be fitted in.
 The vets themselves seem to be totally pre-poccupied with their earnings and worrying that if they were ever to pass a horse as 'SOUND' they would be sued 10 years later.... Besides, all the unsound ones will require delightfully expensive treatments wich will pay the stressed vet who is keeping a receptionist, a secretary, 3 nurses and a brand-new set-up with 2 grooms going. Somebody is paying for all this, in cash, not in favours.
The only persons benefiting from the changes are Student Vets, who go around on call with the Ordinary, Stressed Vets. Obviously, the students have much time to chat the Stressed vets up in their cars, if they can manage to. The student vets usually come from different countries andd seldom speak much English.
The secretaries are also benefiting and many aim to carry off the few remaing male vets to church where they have booked wedding ceremonies. The vets are so stressed they often agree, thinking they somehow have forgotten that they asked to marry this secretary. Possibly this is due to too much driving in reasonable conditions. If you stay in murky cloud and constant greyness and feel depressed your memory will be excellent and this sort of mistakes will not occur ( Research on memory from the Daily Telegraph, 18.04.09). Or possibly the standard of secretary has gone up and the girl-grooms are being left behind?
 It appears that the Farriers, alone, or very rarely seen in numbers ( for a proper view, see Sex in the Countryside, main section) have taken over the position previously held by the Veterinary Surgeons in the estimation of the Girl-grooms . Farriers are also very expensive but they usually have plenty of time for chat and require the prescence of the owner or the girl-groom to hold the horse for a very long time. They have plenty of time for cups of coffee and other things. The Veterinary Surgeons push on in their smart cars, leaving the customers trying to arrange further borrowing from their banks.

No, many of us had higher hopes of this report from the regions that produced My Friend Flicka, Monty Roberts, Pat Parrelli and Brokeback Mountain. Stunning scenery, wild horses.. And the men? Good question. We did not get a clear answer on this one. The Americans normally have stunningly white and dazzling teeth, compared to the horse-flesh feeders of Russia. They are also usually taller. The only solution is to send are own reporters out for a properly conducted investigation. They should soon be able to find out if there still are Real Men out there or just Mc Donalds eating Americans? More needs to be seen of the Indians.
Countrytalk hopes to make enough money to send Annie and Fleur to investigate the matter. At least the fashion scene was very straightforward so they need not make fools of themselves. All that is needed is a little fund-raising.

Russia: The Romantic Country of the Cossacks, the Tsars and the Siberian Horse-herders.

We shall for the moment leave the British Show-jumpers to their own devices. We are , after all, all familiar with them through Jilly Cooper. I have watched Alexandra Tolstoy’s two excellent TV documentaries about horse-cultures abroad and this has made us feel that for the moment it is more interesting to think about Love in Foreign Parts.
 The Program about Siberia was very interesting but it failed to produce the handsome Cossacks that could inspire romantic feelings. It was the wrong part of Russia, probably. 
 The horse-herding men from Siberia, amongst whom the intrepid and pretty Alexandra spent 3 weeks were hardly likely to inspire sexy dreams. Their diet of horse-flesh for breakfast, lunch and supper appeared to have been very bad for their teeth. It was also noticable that no women appeared to have chosen to live with them in temperatures of minus 35 degrees and without a bathroom. The men seemed content with their arrangements however and with sheer survival taking up so much effort, perhaps they didn’t have the energy for romantic encounters.Possibly these take place in the summer only, when conditions are pleasanter. Their lives were centred around their horses, for whom they cared well whilst they were alive and generally treated much as shepherds here treat their sheep, i.e. they are their income and must be looked after. In this case they were also seemingly the only source of food, apart from Arctic Hare. It was a very interesting program and countrytalk has decided to try to raise money for a gun with which these men could slaughter their animals a little less brutally Although, they seemed very at peace with one another so maybe a gun-less culture worked well for the men, anyway.

 If you meet the people of the Pueblos Blancos of Andalucia, the White Towns, you will find them very horse-orientated. They are a happy and outgoing lot and are very friendly towards tourists and visitors. They are very proud of themselves and of their horses. It is the ambition of the humblest worker to own at the very least a mule, but preferably a pure Spanish horse (often referred to in England as an Andalusian).The climate and the sheer beauty of Southern Spain also lend themselves to more of a romantic frame of mind than an icy minus 30C . The drinking habits of the Spanish are also a help to relaxation. In Spain it is best not to be seen without a glass in your hand. It would not do to become paralytically drunk though, just happy.
 The Andalucian men are very macho and ride their horses very flamboyantly clad and they love showing off and being seen, horses and men alike.
 The women play a more supporting role and are mostly parked behind the man and behind the saddle in their fine outfits. They are also much desired as passengers in the carriages. Women may ride, but not very many Andalucian women do so. They don’t look after the horses either, as in the English yards. There are male Morroccan grooms for that.
 No, Spanish women are very sensible: They come out into the yards to admire the men and the men’s horses. These are mostly stallions. Spanish men don’t ride geldings, it would reflect badly upon their masculinity. Mares are not very often ridden either. Most of the horses live in towns, beside or under the houses, in very small stables, often shared with a mule or 3 other horses. They get taken out in the evening to show their paces down the street and they are used for pilgrimages and Fiestas, for showing off.

photos G Ratcliff

 They are a very important part of the heritage and a scource of joy and pride. Above all, they are status symbols. These Spanish men are seldom seen in gay couples. It would be a desperate blow for a Spanish father to have a son who didn’t ride and even worse, one who preferred men. The Southern Spanish regard men as men and women as charming decorations for the horses.
 So, all in all, the chances for romantic encounters with men for our girl-grooms are very good in Spain. There are plenty of men about the stables and they are friendly and talkative and love to show their horses off. The only problem will be that it will be very hard indeed for the girl-grooms to get any work and that the Spanish girl-friends and wives will keep a very good eye on what those men are up to. Spanish women are always brushing their husband’s clothes and putting eveything into perfect order for them. They are very tidy and it could be that the love-affairs will eventually founder when the Spanish man finds the girl-groom rather slovenly around the house and incapable of sewing his clothes together if they should suffer bull-related incidents
Italy
 Italy might well be the best place for the girl-grooms to go. The Italian men are handsome and attentive. They have a reputation as the best lovers in Europe. An added advantage is that the riders there are often men, so there are plenty around in the stable-yards. The riding is of the Northern European style and the Italians are very good at all the normal horse-sports and don’t go in for fighting bulls. In fact, they invented the forward seat and are keen on staying well balanced at all times..All this is very helpful to the girl-grooms who stand a better chance of employment and much less risk of having to mend torn clothing. They will also get to ride the horses themselves in the normal manner, which is after all more exciting, as far as riding goes.
Add to all this some excellent facilities and a sunny climate, not to forget beautiful scenery and a lovely sounding language, well girl-grooms, why hesitate?

Part One Starts Here:

 The Horsey Side of Sex also known as stud-work.

  Following on from Sex in the Countryside, we move to Love on the Stableyard. As you will very quickly realize, the Stable Yard environment is different from the very modern and rather sex-starved countryside in general. But, with horses, as with farming, things have moved on and the romantic encounters for the horses themselves are maybe not always what they were hoping for. We imagine happy scenes of mares and stallions in herds together in the Camargue, perhaps. Or maybe the glossy, glamorous Thoroughbred studs of Kentucky, where white railings stretch for miles and foals are born by the hundred and tended to by experienced stud-grooms and devoted girl-grooms. Maybe even by dark-coloured men, practically slaves, although this fantasy is not politically correct.

photo, A. Ratcliff

We are now approaching the height of the horse-breeding season. For the Thoroughbreds the season starts early as the foals neeed to be born from January to March if they are to race on the flat at the tender age of 2 years old. As a mare is pregnant for over 11 months, this means that the covering season starts in February. The Thoroughbred Studbook ( The General Studbook), only accepts conception by Natural Service so Thoroughbred mares all meet their husbands for real, even if the circumstances may be a bit un-romantic and the mares are chatted up by a ‘teaser’ first, to save damages to the valuable stallion himself. The teaser gets to do a lot of chatting up but no real business with the girls. The popular, high-value top racing sires can cover up to 200 mares in a stud-season. Some of them alternate between the Northern and the Southern Hemisphere, thus getting two Springs, which is rather hard work for them, but profitable. Obviously these super-studs fly business class and not Ryan Air.

Sportshorses have a later breeding season as it is less important to get early foals, except for showing. A later breeding season is more natural, as mares cycles are brought on in spring by the increase in daylight hours. May toJuly is the most natural breeding time for the horse in the Northern Hemispehere. With Sporthorse stud-books now accepting A.I. things have changed and many mares now have foals without ever having seen a stallion in their lives.The Veterinary Profession has taken advantage of this trend, as , without a real stallion much intervention is needed to ascertain if the mare is at the right stage of her cycle to conceive. This is all very expensive and not terribly romantic for the girl-grooms, ,unless, of course, the vet is very attractive. Even then the work lacks glamour and hands which have just been up the animals backside , in plastic gloves, are less erotic.

In spite of all the available Veterinary Assistance and Technology, In Britain, the Sporthorse Stallions cover only a few mares each.On the Continent this is totally different. Here, passing the Stallion Grading will ensure hundreds of mares for the next 3 years anyway. It is hard to pass the Stallion Grading in The Netherlands,Sweden or Germany for expamle.The Prospective Applicants have to be judged on conformation, movement and trainability. If accepted, they get sent off to very hard governemental training-schools to decide upon their personal talents and rideability. Many fail and have their balls chopped off at once. Such is life on the Continent. In Britain, it is more unpredictable. And in Spain, the chopping off of balls is considered barbaric and nobody would dream of it (or maybe some disappointed housewives, at the most).

Love on the Stable Yard.

Chapter One: Livery Yards of various types.
  Well, there may or may not be sex in the Countryside but on the Stableyard we have real love. There is no doubt about this, just look at the official starting date for the horses season for romantic encounters: St. Valentines day…
This is also known rather unromatically as the covering season. However, those of us that have kept stallions and mares together know that they sometimes get very fond of each other.
 As for the human attendants, we have already had a chat with spokesperson for the Girl Grooms.
 What we have found out is that things have changed quite a lot in the horse-industry in the last 25 years.
 There are simply less girl-grooms to do the work. Instead there is an abundance of highly qualified Students. These are all going to be lecturers and managers they told Gamebird. These young students were all on part-time courses with intermittent practical work.
 Some of the unqualified grooms, who work long hours on the many days when the students were occupied at their colleges, looked a bit doubtful when asked about the ability of the Student Grooms. Old-time Grooms are always very polite and nothing negative was ever said about the modern student. It was just a feeling of doubt that somehow transmitted itself to Game Bird.
 In the Good Old days, hunting yards and competition yards employed several grooms. Now there seem to be less grooms and more would-be competitors who work in lieu of instruction and help with their own horses. The vast majority of these grooms and students are female. This makes for a lot of competition between these femaleson order to have afffairs with the few male students, many of whom progress to prefer their own sex, or even no sex at all . This is possibly caused by there being so very few of them that they prefer to stick together, for mutual support in an overwhelmingly feminine environment.
 The students all want to go and work in yards where there are world-class male riders .
 The world-class male riders have a tendency to be doing world-class competitions in various parts of the world. They are seldom at home to supervise all their students.
 To go on their travels they send their most reliable of the old-type grooms, who all have HGV licences and spend a lot of their lives driving horses to and from the Continent. These old-type grooms often have strong friendships with other grooms who travel this circuit. The Students seldom get to go on these journeys which require a great deal of stamina.This is often deemed to be lacking in the modern student.
 So where, then , does love come into the picture, you may well ask.
The love is for the horses themselves. The stable-yards are positivly brimming with this love for horses of all types, shapes and sizes. From the humblest first pony to the super-star of Cheltenham, there is a doting attendant. Even the dogs, much loved though they are, don’t seem to engender the same degree of feeling in their female attendants. The loving equine attendants spend hours training their charges and themselves, at a vast price. Massive amounts of hard-earned money goes into the bellies of the beloved cobs or is trampled underfoot in the form of very expensive bedding. More money is spent on the equine hooves than the female attendants would ever dream of spending on their own rubber-booted feet. No saddle is ever comfortable enough for the rounded outlines of the cob.
 No bit is gentle enough for the mouth of the first pony, who happily, having educated seven small children, snatches at all his bits equally and pulls the latest beginner over his head so he can get to the spring grass.Naturally, the mother of the child, who is also the attendant of the angelic superstar 1^st pony, entirely blames her 3-yearold son for this little mishap.

And as for teeth, well, look at the mother of the 3-yearold and then look at the 26 yearold pony. The pony’s teeth will be in wonderful shape, thanks to regular visits from a Very Special Equine Dentist who charges £123.67 for the visit alone. The Mother is frequently not in the same good shape. The ponies and horses of the U.K are very lucky indeed.
          

As we know from the earlier Survey of Sex in the Countryside, the Girl-grooms claim to be exceptionally active in their affairs. How can this be so, when they only care about horses?

Well, those girl-grooms who still work in busy racing-yards, or on busyDo It Yourself Livery yards have a quite different chance of having affairs.
 In racing-yards there are still many stable-lads employed. These days many come from Eastern Europe and other countries. We willl look into racing in a separate chapter, later.

 There are very great differences in the amount of love available, and the hope of proper affairs on the yards of various European countries. There are also huge differences between various disciplines.Let us start with Dressage Yards in Britain.
  In Britain, the stable-yards are full of women and girls of all ages. The horses, be they high-class race-horses or average Happy Hacks, are tended by girls and older women, rarely by men. The owners are also mostly women and so are the riders. This does rather limit the availability of love between humans of the opposite sex.
If we look towards the North, the Scandinavian countriues have a similar situation. There are quite a few male show-jumping riders and some Instructors of the male sex however. In Britain most of the Instructors are female
 It is nowadays best to call them trainers, nobody is instructed any more, let alone is taught, no you RECEIVE TRAINING. Ideally, you have a Personal Trainer. But, as trainers charge at least £ 35 per private lesson, no that many people can have a Private trainer, seeing as horses are rarely schooled for more than an hour per day. You would obviously need several horses so both you and the trainer could be occupied… And paid for. .Training sessions (formely known as lessons) can be shared with one or two other people, this is a very sensible option, if slightly less glamorous. Many of the female drssage riders ( I think this is the preferred word to use for the persons paying for the lessons, the word PUPILS, is totally out of fashion.) are wanting to move up a grade. In order to do this they need more TRAINING by a FASHIONABLE TRAINER. Fashion is very important nowadays. Just being skilled and quietly achieving good results is not regarded as glamorous.
 A good-looking male trainer is a must, if you’re a serious would-be competitor. Male riders are normally trained by other male trainers, not by female trainers . This adds to the difficulties. However, in spite of all this, very many of the female persons, who are being trained, are privately very occupied with thinking about their male trainers as sex-objects. The Trainers do not think in this way, normally. They know full well that if they were so much as to touch a rider on the knee, to show what the leg ought to be doing to convey a message to the horse, they could be accused of Improper Advances.

Many of these loved ones are by now eligible for Sainthoods, if they should so desire.