Go and ask Granny!
instead of an Agony Aunt countrytalk has a formidable Granny on hand to help you solve life’s little worries and problems. Just ask her and she’ll fix you up with some advice. Simple home remedies can avert a crisis. Clean the toilet with ease. Dog show scrotum ticklers.

Dear Granny,
 My horoscope in the paper said that I should be decicive and make up my mind and stand no nonsense. Apparently Neptune is making me lucky just now.
 I have a big problem in my life at the moment: Should I stay with my current boyfriend? I needed help so I went and got a magazine. The horoscope said Jupiter was travelling backwards in my skies and I should stay quiet and not upset people and avoid taking major decisions.
Now I feel very confused, can you help me, I’m a Capricorn and now I don’t know whether to listen to Neptune or Jupiter.
Lisa, Hemelhempstead. 22.09.11
 
 Dear Lisa,
 I think you can work this out for yourself. If the whole of the world’s population can be divided into sections by their birthdate, if they all have the same problems at the same time, well, then it is easy to advise them all at the same time. Do you really think you have the same problem as everybody else born in Capricorn? If so, go with Jupiter and let him fart all over you.
I can only advise you to make up your own mind. It sounds to me as if you are undecided, in which case it is often better to let more time pass before taking a major decision, such as a split -up from a partner. If you suddenly feel decisive, you can change your mind and go with Neptune, but don’t blame me for any consequences.
 Do you really think all Capricorns are alike? If your answer is yes, then stay inside the horoscope system. If you start to wonder, then step out and use your own head. You have one, after all, you have taken a good first step in writing to me. Obviously, I know everything by looking into a crystal ball.
Yours,Granny
 

Fast Grannies:

Dear Granny,
I see some people have problems with grannies who want to go beating. This seems to me quite safe and a minor problem. My own grandmother now wants to ride in charity races. I really think she is past it, what should I do?
Emmelie, 27.07.11

Dear Emmelie,
Don’t worry, let somebody else sort the problem out. The organizers will not want unglamourous grannies, they want sexy 18 year-olds or famous people of 40 years old who look like 18 year-olds. . Your Grandmother doesn’t stand a chance to be selected unelss she can actually ride a winner, which is unlikely. You worry to much, try to go out to the pub and have a drink instead, you will find it more relaxing.
 Yours, Granny.

Dear Granny,
            My nephew and niece ar coming to stay for Christmas. My cousin is also coming and my in-laws. My husband is not good at cooking, so I have to do everything. He pours the drinks. My nephew always drinks too much beer and then burps a lot and laughs very loudly. Eventually he falls asleep in the sofa. My in-laws , who only drink dry sherry look very disapproving. I stay in the kitchen, drinking too much whilst cooking. The turkey is apt to be brown on the outide but not defrosted on the inside.
My cousin has a disgusting eating disorder and gulps all the food, including the raw turkey, then she goes to the bathroom to be sick. Then she comes back and eats nearly all the Christmas pudding. After that she retires to the bathroom again and nobody else can use it for a long time.
The dog tries to get into the bathroom to eat the sick. It is a labrador. I feel unhappy just thinking about the coming feast. Is there any way of making it easier?
Melany, Okehampton 05/12/10

Dear Melanie,
You’r problems are nothing out of the ordinary. You may have to ask your cousin to go outside to be sick, that will make it easier for the labrador. Smokers go outside these days, after all. The same can be advised for the burping but this will be more difficult, burping youths can be very resistant to civil manners. Give him some cigars for a Christmas present, it will make the burbls come in the shape of interesting smoke rings. Get a ready cooked bird form the super market, it will save a lot of troublesome cooking. Stay in the kitchen for prolonged periods, with a decent bottle of wine, whilst heating the readymade ingredients. Have a good book, or even a television in the kitchen. You will be much complemented on your cooking. Leave your husband to entertain his parents by showing off some new gadget. They will be thrilled sitting in the smokerings looking at his new videocamera, for example...The main thing about Christmas is to save yourself. Order all presents over the internet.You will feel fresh as a holly on the day. Stop worrying. Eat rather little and then poledance whilst singing carols in the bedroom. Your in-laws

 Wedding Jealousy sets in 21.06.10
Dear Granny,
 I’m consumed with jealousy and I feel so ashamed that I can’t handle the situation, which is as follows.
My younger sister, Linda, is getting married in 3 weeks. Linda is tall with long blonde hair. I’m sort of freckled with reddish hair and rather short.
Linda is very clever and has an excellent career as a hospital manager. I seem to have a succession of secretarial jobs but I get asked to leave quite frequently. Linda’s future husband is tall and,tanned. His name is Jose and he’s very exciting. I have, at the moment, a rahter pale slightly overweight boyfriend named Fred.
Linda is going to be wearing a stunning ebony wedding dress. I’m going to be her bridesmaid in a pale greeny/lemony dress. It doesn’t lookthat good on me, my flabby bits hang out in an unbecoming manner.
I’m finding it very hard to be polite and charming, I just want to BE Linda, not the bridesmaid.
Have you any suggestions as to how I can control these un-sisterly feelings?
 Marlene,Ipswich. 21.06.10

I think if you follow this advice you will have no further problems until new neighbours move in. Possibly unconvert until you see what the next ones are like. Yours , Granny 12.04.10

Dear Granny,
 I wish to conceive a baby. It is very important that it should be a boy.My in-laws want an heir for their property development company. I feel very insufficient in their company but if I could produce this baby boy I feel they would starrt to appreciate me.Fiona. 7/4/10

Dear Fiona,
Something tells me you’r blonde. In order to improve chances of a male conceptus, eat bacon. ‘Bacon for a boy’ is the old saying and protein will improve your chances. Start this before conception and carry on for a minimum of 3 months, regardless of morning sickness. Male pregnancies are easily lost. Cherries are also recommended. Do not eat any oranges or drink orange-juice. Have some gin every evening, that’s what the Royal family do and they produce heir after heir, sometimes of dubious quality, but at least male. If you’re obese, the problem may be to get close enough to acheive pregnancy at all.
I fear your in-laws will not change their attidude except if you produce twin girls. That could tip the balance, but it is hard to assess exactly which way
Yours, Granny..07.04.10

 Dear Granny,
I find it repulsive that I can’t go to a world-famous dog-show without having to see un-dressed competitors running around. And should people tickle scrotums in public?
 Mona, by e-mail, 23.03.10
Dear Mona,
    I agree, the gundog competitor on the right is not well turned out, nor does he look up to a day’s shooting. He would feel the cold. Gundogs should look fit and strong. They should have sleek, shiny coats and very good teeth but have soft mouths.
Scrotums have generally been regarded, by proper people, to be best kept in the private sector. 

 Proper Dog Show Manners.

 In a crisis, such as your male companion falling asleep and snoring in the theatre, for example, a very discreet scrotum tickle is acceptable. The effect will wear off however, if this is done too regularily. Yours, Granny.

Sorry Granny, we have changed to a scrotum tickling image, the Editor.

Modern Apologies:

Granny wishes to add that she thinks Archbishops and Popes should have better things to do than apologizing to minors for minor misdemeanours by others.

Dear Granny,
 Why do people apologize all the time these days?
Yours,
Samantha, Bishop’s Burton. 10.03.10

Dea Samantha,
I often wonder this myself. I think it just makes them feel better about themselves. They already feel pretty good. With an added apology, they can feel totally superb.As men cannot feel guilt anyway, it is hard to believe they feel apologetic.
It certainly helps no-one else. A genuing apology is a very private matter. Rather like these very public propsals that hardly give girl a chance to say ‘NO’.
Yours,
Granny

Why do better class English people have such poor quality loo-paper? 22.02.10

This is the fluorescent loo-roll available for £ 4.99. It will not be seen in better class houses.

Dear Granny,
 I visited a famous English Duke recently. The house was large but absolutley freezing and the Duke was dressed in what appeared to be gardening rags. In the evenings he wore a wornout jacket made of very old velvet. In the very cold and old-fashioned bathroom there was no poper loo-paper. Luckily I had some tissues in my handbag.
Is this normal in England?
Yours,
Susannah Tring 22.02.10

Hunting Bottoms. 25/02/10

Yes Susannah, this is totally normal amongst the English Better Classes.
Better class people are hardier than other people because they are brought up in large, freezing houses.. The better class people have their dogs in bed with them, usually under the blankets.They prefer woolen blankets to duvets.
Cashmere loopaper is unheard of, a particularily harsh kind of grease-proof paper is used instead. It has no capacity to absorb fluids whatsoever but is deemed the only suitable kind for the better class bottom.These have lost all feeling during the long days out fox-hunting.The lower the classof a person, the softer his loo-paper.

Americans, from their modern houses in an oil-rich world can’t imagine how costly it is to install heating and maintain a bearable temperature in England’s many better class mansions.The well-bred classes despise any mention of the chill in the air.They put on another slightly odd cardigan, or a jacket dated from their great grandfather’s day, and declare themselves cosy, whilst warming the chilblains by the small fire in the enormous fire-place. Over the generations a selection has taken place for people who can stand this sort ot life.
Some have departed to softer environments where they risk tanning their delicate English Rose complexions.
 Persons from the more middle-classes people in Britain, who desire to SEEM better-classalso live in mortuary temperatures and wear other peoples cast-offs. They think of this as better class than going to Primark and buying a nice new fleece for £2.50. They have never heard of Primark, or pretend that they haven’t.

These would -be better-class people also adopt the better-class habit of double barrel names, such as Annunziata Rees-Mogg which is much classier than being called Myleene Klass. The better class politicians are under pressure to become Nancy Moggs intead, which will is thought them to the voters. If they speak, they loose all the voters immediately.as the non-better classes despise their superior voices. Therefore they camapaign silently for votes.
 Granny. 22.02.10

Dear Child ,
If your husband still enjoys conjugal relations with you, after 22 years, you have nothing to worry about whatsoever. If you need advise on new positions etc. just look it up on the internet.
Yours, Granny, 11.02.10!!

 Dogs have a very clear way of expressing that they are sorry. They flatten their ears, look very guilty, wriggle around, wag their tails with very small movements, whilst making themselves very small. They put on a very slight but hopeful smile, whilst avoiding eye contact..
This causes their Misstresses to exclaim ‘Naughty boy!’ and look threateningly at the dog, which will smile more and make cringy, wagging movements with it’s entire body.In no time at all the Misstress will hug the dog and forgive it.
The dog, now forgiven, will rush about jumping for joy. Quite soon it may test the waters and commit the offense again.
 Men, on the other hand, detest uttering the word’Sorry’. They take the arrogant stance of ’never apologise, never explain.’
Women love apologies and explanations and will give these endlessly. if you listen to any human argument between a a man and a woman there is an 80% chance that the woman will end up saying she is sorry. She may not be sorry, but she feels it best to say so.
This seems a very good plan for men too If they would say ‘sorry’ and wriggle around a bit, women could not help but forgive them. The women would then be relieved of their feelings of guilt, as they have forgive the man, which makes them feel superior. The man, who has not really felt any more guilt than the dog did, can have a beer and watch television, with a good mood restored to the household. Looking to the animals can often solve problems.

Take care with those poles: 24/01/10

Granny, who is very upset that the mid-life crisis has been Officially removed from Britain says she feels obliged to remind the now so liberated mid-life crisis free middle-aged ladies to restrain themselves from too much pole-dancing.
It can make the insides of your thighs very sore, she says.
Well, Granny knows best, as usual.

Tractor Distractions:

Dear Granny,
  Three years ago, my partner, Simon, and I moved to a cottage in the country. I was so happy. We have 3 acres and I now keep 2 goats and some chickens. All went well until Simon decided that we needed a tractor.
Very quickly he became obsessed by tractors. Our tractor is quite old and not very glamorous but he spends hours on fixing it. Now he wants to get an even older one and go to vintage rallies with it. I find tractors very boring and vintage rallies horrendously so.
Our life together has deteriorated and he goes out several ningts a week now, to a tractor work-shop, he says..
can I trust him?
Yours Minnie, Newton Abbot. 14.01.10

Dear Minnie,
 I expect Simon is somewhere between 40-50 years old? This is a problematic age for men. It is also possible that Simon was not as enthralled as you are with chickens and goats. Tractors are more manly.In principle there is nothing to worry about.
Your best bet is to make sure though. Get yourself a camouflage suit, also known as a ghillie-suit, and creep up to the the tractor work-shop and peer in. If you only see men tinkering with tractors and drinking beer, all is well. If you see scenes like the one in the photo you may have cause for worry. In such cases you have to develop some instant knowledge of the innards of the machinery and go WITH him to the works-shop. Every time. This is a high price to pay to ensure trust..
The other alternative is to turn a blind eye and collect the eggs. Hopefully he will tire of the tractors. If not, you may have to develop some other outside interests of your own. Bee-keeping can be most rewarding. This will also let you get more use out of the ghillie-suit.
Best of luck,
Granny

 Cleaning the loo is particularily hateful. Granny is delighted to pass on the following tip to help minimize house-work:

The gun, seen in the photo is not recommended by Granny. She would choose a smaller pistol...

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the "Power-wash" pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
With best wishes,
The Dog

The Christmas crisis: What to give. Here are some suggestions from Granny. 16/12/09

Dear Granny,
My husband expects me to do all the housework and shopping. I have a fulltime job.
When he comes in,he looks around the house in a most terribly critical manner.
 Is this normal, nowadays.
I thought husbannds should pull their weight around the house .Mine cannot mend a plug, even.Am I too demanding?
 Georgina, Minhampton 21/10/09

Granny replies: Yes Georgina. Even today you have to accept that very few men do much around the house. They are not very capable, quite simply. If you accept this you will get on better. Let him go out and hunt. There will be no real problem until you earn more than he does...Find an electrician for the plugs, preferably a goodlooking Polish one.
Yours, Granny 21/10/09

 3/10/09  Richard Dunwoody Dances away:

The previously well regarded super-hero Richard Dunwoody, has apparently been thrown out Strictly Come Dancing, the television dancing competition, at a very early stage. It appears Richard’s ability to waltz is nowhere near his ability to walk long distances. Well, dancing should not be regarded as an endurance test, it is normally more of a human mating ritual. Granny comments:

As I said earlier, Richard Dunwoody is just busy making life difficult for himself. It is a type of Mid-life crisis. As if walking to the North Pole, or walking a1000 miles up and down Newmarket High Street in an attention-seeking manner were not difficult enough, the previous top-class jockey decided to enter a Dancing Competiton on Television. This has proved a step to many and we hope Richard will now sit out a few dances on the side-lines and perhaps afterward decide on something more worthy of a champion’s efforts.

Richard, please, we all prefer to think of you in action like this! It would be more becoming if you now went out to build some wind-mills in Africa or something like that, please. I will make no further comments on this unfortunate example of a mid-life mis-adventure.
Granny 3/10/09

 AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Granny helps with Man-hunting.12/09/09

Granny,
I want some proper love.. I don’t want to do all this selecting. I just can’t seem to find anybody. It is all so sad. Ramona, 12/09/09

Dear Ramona,
You must stop feeling sad and approach the matter in a positive and selective way. And remember teeth. if you have to compromise, just never compromise on teeth. It is one of the most important features for selection. Good teeth are both attractive, denote health and wealth and save a fortune in the long run.
You could start your search amongst dentists, of course, this is a very recommended profession. Do not approach as a patient, however but try to get a job as a dental secretary or similar. Yours, Granny.

Thank you Granny, that is an idea, at least. My dentist is quite nice, now you mention it but I have always felt so incapacitated, lying there with my mouth wide open. Yours, Ramona

Good Ramona, you are using your head now. Approach him somewhere else, with your mouth closed!

Granny 12.09.09

Dear Ramona,
I have had a litlle powernap now. Your question about men is interesting and I have given the matter some thought.
 What has gone wrong is the modern expectation of combining good looks with being suitable in all other ways.
What you must do, Ramona, is approach the Man-hunt more practically.
First decide your prioities:
 Is the man just for , shall we say, Happy Hacking? In that case looks are paramount as obviously, you want to be seen out with a handsome hack of show-type.
    Are you thinking of long or short-term men? If short-term you have to see if they will be easy to pass on, or if they will become tiresomely devoted to you and clingy. Those sorts are hard to find another home for.

 If you’re thinking of long-term maler companions you must insist they are properly vetted by a competent Independent Advisor.
If you’re not careful, you could end up with a sub-standard specimen that soon requires lots of assistance, expensive operations, a special diet and so forth. This is best avoided by selecting only sound men with good hearts and reasonable joints. If you are of breeding age it is wise to also assess the potetial grand-parents as well as your own parents. If everybody on both sides are going deaf, the chances of any potential offspring hearing well in their old age, are not good. You may not be interested in your unborn offsprings old age, you just want a baby.. This is a very poor method of selection.
Go and study their short-comings and think about how it will affect you later in life.
You should also think about the men’s earning ability rather than just about their looks. In the long run, a steady, hard-working cob may prove longer-lasting than a flashy hackney-type.
 I hope these suggestions may be of some help to you, Ramona. If your search becomes more concentrated it will go better. Once you have settled on the type and age you are looking for, then we shall see if we can try to help with suggestions on how to find one for you.
Youurs, Granny.

Dear Granny,
 I have such major problems with finding a reliable man. How do people do it? I have tried the Internet chat-rooms, I have tried finding new friends out beating, I have even tried the pubs. How did people do it in your time, please, Granny?
Ramona, 2-9-09

Dear Ramona,
The key thing is not to stress. Also, reliable men don’t really exist, it is not in their nature. If they are reliable, they are boring and unattractive. Sensible females have to choose.
Just now, dear, I choose my bed. My gin bottle is empty.
Goodnight.
Granny

Dear Granny,
You seem prety healthy. How old are you? What do you think about the bath-debate on News and Gossip? And are tomatoes bad for you?
Lisa, 18, Newquay.26/08/09

Dear Lisa,
I regard myself as god for my age but these things are very relative to your life-style. Compared to a 22-yearold man I’m in a very poor state of health.
I have 3 gin and tonics every evening. I never put tomato in my gin, and I never have Bloody Marys.. I eat a lot of peanuts which I regard as good for teeth. I wash with soap and water and never have showers. Old people smell but I hope I’m not that old yet.
Yours Granny,26-08-09

 My Dear Amanda
You have to understand that we females are just more beautiful so we understand to display ourselves well. The men usually have potbellies , skinny arms, white bodies and other small- comings. This makes them feel disadvantaged when compared with their blond dream-girls who whizz by at the canter on wonderful horses, which they manage with female tact and skill.
The men, who often lack animal skills, instead navigate well by map and understand how to make metal objects such as gear-boxes and cars. They also like shiny and polished things, just like mag-pies. It is a matter of having been the hunters and needing only to see striking moving objects. Shiny cars are a prime example of this desire for fast, flashy objects.
Females developed a good eye for decoration and art in the meantime, as well as the time to have more beautiful bodies and more advice from their friends. This made females more cunning but also, in some ways quite simple. Like other animals, they want to select a good mate so, the male with the shiny, well maintained car may well win the affection of a blond horse-keeper.
This is modern life, just the same as in pre-historic times...
Yours sincerely Granny 17.08.09
 

Granny replies:
Justine, I have had to think for two days about what to say. Judging by the picture your parking skills ar not that good. On the other hand, your husband’s first concern should be whether YOU are ok, not whether the car has a little bend in the bumper perhaps.
 The thing to understand is that men become very personal about cars. They are like an extesion of their male bodies. To us females, cars are just lumps of metal. To males they are almost like a dress or a good pair of shoes are to us.If your husband chucked your best shoes out of the window, you would feel agrieved. Well, he feels like that about this boring lump of engineering. Personally, I can only distinguish between cars of different colours but many men use cars to impress females with. Therefore it hurts when the female fails to look after this body extension.
Best thing will be if you can afford some little old car (banger, is the term, I think), for yourself so that you don’t have to drive the same vehicle. This will calm the situation down. I should worry a bit as to whether your husband is more concerned about the car than about the driver though. If he offers to emplouy a chauffeur for you he really cares. In that case accept the offer at once. Please keep us informed about your progress .I think there are courses in parking.
Granny 13/08/09