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Countrytalk has decided that sometimes a woman’s view of sport differs from a man’s. We have therefore asked Gamebird to explain the sport of Cricket to other women as we have realized this sport is not particularily popular with the female sex. We hope that following this explanation all female players ( if any) and spectators will feel much more enthusiastic about this acclaimed English pastime.
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Cricket is a little difficult to understand. Sports vary in this matter, for expample, horse-racing is easy. There are various distances and there may or may not, be obstacles, but first past the winning post is the winner. The horse should still have the jockey on, that is about the only possibly confusing factor.
Show-jumping is also easily understood, knocking the jumps down is bad.
Football is easy: It is good to kick the ball into the opposite goal, not your own goal. Some of the players are attractive.
Ice-hockey and rugby are very similar, played by rather heavily muscled brutal men and involving severe body-collisions but a simple principle of scoring goals.
Ice-skating, diving and dressage are similar in that movements are judged by knowledgable judges. Usually, after approximatly 13 minutes of watching these sports on telly the average viewer of normal intelligence, or less, feels quite competent in making technical pronouncements such as’ excellent tripel screw-over but poor transition to double flying changes with moderate entry into water.’
Cricket stands alone in being a sport that it is practically impossible for the arm-chair viewer to gain any knowledge in 13 minutes because the combination of boredom and the fact cricket matches are always held up by tea, bad weather, lunch, poor light etc. makes them relaxing but hard to get to grips with. The spectator may doze off.
To make the current Ashes series more enjoyable we will now explain it all. The Ashes are the Top Prize, it is even worse than horse-trials prizes. It is not known what you do with these Ashes, if you win them.
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There are two teams, as in many other sports. All members of both teams wear whitish clothing and unfashionable cardigans. Nobody wears numbers. In fact, it is hard to know who belongs to which team or if they are in or out. The men wear gadgets called BOXES to protect their more valuable body-parts from balls and stumps.
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Each team should have 11 boxed up and correctly battered members. The batters should be holding their English Willow bats in correct grips. The advantage to the player with correct grip and batting technique can be seen in the illustration.
One team will now be in, the other out. This is surprising as no fashion judges are employed but, it is possible that by some extrasensory perception the players accept what is in and what is out. Two batsmen will be in at the same time, one will be each end of the wicket ( that is the name of the playing area). We’re not sure if they are from the in team or the out team.But some are in and wearing white/off white, perhaps even knitted off-white cardigans will be on show.
We now have something called Fielding. With fielding 6 balls equals one over and gets the bats-man out. I hope this is crystal clear?
The batsman does not wear red underwear on the outside like Batman and Spiderman. He looks like the others. He must hit the ball with his bat and make it NOT hit the stumps. It is the Infielders that throw the balls at the batsman, we believe.
The stumps are sticks in the ground and are very important. When burned they turn into Ashes, as burnt wood normally does. Cricketers find this remarkable.
Hitting the stumps, before they turn to ash scores runs. We're not sure who does the running. Perhaps it is the umpire?
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Anyway, when the Infielders have bowled 6 balls it is the end of the Over. Bowling has somehow crept into the batting. but it is not a bowling green, no it is the Wicket.
After a significant point in the game, when 10 batsmen are out, the bowling team ( that may be in or out, we think) changes ends and swap over the batsmen and fielders.
Then it is time for TEA. Tea in cricket is like Soup in Beater trials, the moment when things turn around and you can see the glorious end of the day in sight.
The game is over when one team scores more than the other. This is done by scoring more RUNS than the other team, if they have been in already. Before they have been in, this does not apply. Then they are out and after that you can even go on to another day of this thrilling spectacle.
We hope you will now feel fully familiar with cricket. If not, there is also a break for lunch during witch you may ask a MALE to explain it to you in more straightforward terms.
If not, don't bother to go to theAshes, go to a beater-trial instead!
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A Report from the Ashes, Day 3: England is actually WINNING but that may yet be prevented by bad luck or bad light or some other naturally occuring English disaster.
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As our dim female reporters cannot quite understand what is going on, we quote from the clearly understood Daily Telegraph:
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The Daily Telegraph is a very good Sports Paper, of the English type.
”Eyeing a total of 500 plus, Strauss perhaps did not stay, as sports psychologists are apt to say, ‘ in the moment.’ Leaving the first ball from Hilfenhaus well alone, he also left the second, only to see it pluck his off-stump from it’s moorings. “
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Good, now you all understand, don’t you?
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This illustration shows the danger of the off-stumps being plucked, if not correctly dressed and boxed up.
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Cricket, update 20/07/09
England has won at Lords, the fist time for 75 years, against Australia.
Cricket is the traditional English Summer Sport. We have a new page for it, all to itself. It is ideal because you can retire for tea at the merest hint of bad weather. According to the Daily Telegraph the most important thing about Cricket is to lose gracefully. How will the English handle a win at this National Sport? Will there be partying and celebrations in the street? Our reporter has gone out to look.The streets of Tiverton were quiet but supporters in front of theri televisions were apparently drinking beer very happily.
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Photo: GETTY IMAGES
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To make our descriprion correct we have borrowed it from the Daily Telegraph where the reporters understand the magic of cricket. Our female team is still a little confused, in spite of their own explanations.
Man of the match: Andrew Flintoff
celebrates his dismissal of Australia's Nathan Hauritz as England complete victory at Lord's
Time to celebrate: England players congratulate Andrew Flintoff for taking prize wicket of Brad Haddin England ended their 75-year-old Ashes jinx at Lord’s but only after Andrew Flintoff had defied his broken body until the job was complete. Bearing down like a man possessed from the Pavilion End, he bowled unchanged for 10 high-octane overs to seal his final Test appearance at this famous ground with five for 92, his third five-wicket haul in Tests.This was bowling as battering ram and Lord’s, knowing they had witnessed an immense performance, rose to acclaim it – not once, but twice. The first time came when he scattered Peter Siddle’s stumps, the second after Graeme Swann had taken the final wicket to secure victory by 115 runs and a 1-0 lead in the Ashes.
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We understand this is good news but we don’t know exactly how the battering ram defied his broken body but never mind. Excitement is running high.
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True to form, this sport is now hit by Bad Weather. In England? Well, it is totally amazing. The Ashes have now gone all soggy. Obviously, cricketers have to retire and have tea. The light is bad. We have observed this for some time in Darkest Devon..
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08/08/09 Good News:
England are losing badly. ow we can show our mettle and take it bravely. This is more normal. Everyone can relax and go to the pub. Trying to celebrate a victory was a total disaster. Happiness is restored.
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Shock, Horror! England at risk of winning the ASHES! 20/08/09
what are we to do
Our only suggestion is: Serve a heavy Cream Tean and then send in the Streakers! mWe think this will toatally confuse both thsoe who are in and those who are out. Cricket needs a bit of female strategy, at the moment it is too much a male peculiarity
The Ashes could yet be lost, don’t get all overexcited now.
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The Snacking on scones has not been enough, England has gone into the lead. This may be thanks to the SLIPS. We have only just been introduced to the notion of observing slips as well, it has been quite enough for our reporters to cope with the ins and outs. But as our understanding of the national Game improves, we underatand that you must watch the slips which are to ther right, or sometimes, left of the batsman or the bowler. They can catch the ball on their shins and then it counts for nothing. A no-baller.
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