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Country News and Gossip:
On this page we try to keep up what is going on in the world. We concentrate on those issues we feel will interest Country People the most. Obviously, that is themselves and what goes on in the countryside around them..We also try hard to report from Country Sporting Events of note.
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Oui, c’est tres difficile en francaise! Our reporter also found it difficult to see French doctors, due to the fact her French is sub-standard. French Health care is far form sub-standard, however, it is absolutley excellent and it seems a little dim to go on killing the babies when contraception is readily available by a minor injection,if pills are too complicated.. Injections hurt rather less than child-birth in our reporter’s experience..
Whilst the French sort that one, we wonder if the lack of interest in the Athletics in Barcelona is a hint that athletics have had their day? Do we mind nowadays, who runs the fastes, who jumps the longest? Perhaps we should have new Olymics: Who will get the Gold for fastest Texting?Who can cut and copy best on the Internet? Who has most Friends? Would this be more appropriate for our obese population?
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Bull fighting is banned in the Catalan region.28.07.10
Bullfighting seems rather uncivilized and many of us will feel glad it is time to say goodbye to the matadors. In the Barcelona region, at least.
It is a bit like foxhunting..Only more convenient as it takes place in a designated stadium and you can buy tickets, to sit either in the sun or the shade, whereas for fox-hunting you have to pay dearly to sit in a wet saddle for hours, probably never seeing a fox at all.
Country people in various cultures have always lacked civilized entertainement and been obliged to invent their own.
For soem reason they favour badger baiting, bulldog fighrs, bear fights and bull fighting over philosophical discussions.
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Whilst we think on this we may also wonder why the new Governement in Britain thinks people will become more motivated to slim down if they are refered to by the word FAT, as opposed to the more clinical OBESE, both meaning the person is very overweight. In other cultures this would actually mean they are fighting fit..
We’re sorry to say that the European Athletics Championships in Barcelona are going practically unnoticed. This is a shame as they could help motivate us to loose weight. South west France has another sport: Cow-jumping. We’ll try to find yous ome examples tomorrow, it could fill the gap left by the demise of bull fighting. It may be some time before Southern Spain says goodbye to the toros however.
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European Championships are taking place in Barcelona.27.07.10
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The power produced by shopping in Spar. Forget the leopardskin, it really does nothing for performance. Spar has hit on a surefire winner, much better than B.P, who are cutting downn on themselves, rather like amputating off frozen toes, in order to keep alive.
In the meantime, our M.P’s are snoozing in their offices, but this has been forbidden as Health and Safety warn that the Offices are not insured against fire at night!
Remember Guy Fawkes? Clearly, he had got it all summed up. No good burning the place down during the day, M.P’s may be awake and claim on expenses, strike at night! It’s a good job Health and Safety protect us against people who might otherwise claim more travelling expenses, just to doze off on the trains!
. Health and Safety actually forbids people from having several jobs, especially unpaid ones, it is truly unsafe, anything could happen and probably will. The property Market is falling, for example!
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Rex is valuable! 22.07.10
The traditional Sheep dog Sales for Border Collies in training threw up a couple of super young dogs. Ron and Rex topped the sale. These dogs sell like race-horses, in Guineas. They can be seen working prior to being auctioned. It is difficult to train a dog to a high standard, the dog needs both talent and sympathetic handling. Some farmers prefer to pay up, rather than to train one themselves. And who can blame them?The dog can do several mens’ work on a big hill farm. It may not be needed every day, but when it’s needed it will work all day, just for it’s feed and the love of the master. It’s bred into them.They are great dogs, very intelligent and athletic, with colossal stamina. A good dog also has the “eye”, an ability to outstare a stubborn ewe and move her the desired way.
The vendor of one of the top-lot, Harry Bell, a retired race-horse trainer, rightly commented that compared to paying £ 8000 for a quad-bike, the dogs will last better and be more fun and company too.
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Police Fire mostly in error 16.07.10:
It is hard to get a licence to have a gun, in Britain t. Mysteriously, madmen manage to get hold of guns with ease.The Police, who have guns and are well trained in how to use them make a huge number of mistakes. In fact, were the police normal citizens, they would be de-gunned at once. Nationwide, officers have fired shots only 29 times in response to suspected crime. They have nevertheless shot one of their own officers and wounded two others.The Metropolitan Police have accidentally fired shots 56 times. Time for a re-think?
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In Pamplona ( San Fermin) , Spain, the annual bull-running is also proving a test for visitors. TPamplona is something that truly has to be experienced, a wild festival of danger.
We recommend the England Football teams are taken there every year, just to to encourage bonding.It is not for the faint hearted.
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The bulls are coming! Get out quickly, or run with them!
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We have had several queries as to how we manage such fine photos from splendidly undressed locations.Obviously, it’s easy.
Our photographer just blends in with the less than clad element and passes unoticed, just like a camouflaged wild-life photographer. We are hoping to win a major award this year.
A surprise award has just been announced: Mr. Dando from Wooton-under-Edge, Glos., has won the coveted Molecatcher of the Year award after trapping 8000 little furry moles in steel traps. Mr Dando gave up accountancy to pursue a mole-catching career, and look, now he’s the best in Britain! It was all worth it.
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Latest Health ands Safety Warning will save many lives: 09.06.10
Health and Safety are excelling themselves. At Southampton the councils have erected warnings that it is dangerous to paddle in the paddling-pool if the temperature in the air is below 20C. If the temperature goes below 15 C the pool will be shut because of the high risk of hypothermia.
We are really glad that the Council has taken this Health and Safety warning to heart, there must be 1000’s of frozen toddlers who welcome this final realization that they will henceforth always be warm dry and protected at all times. And it would be very dangerous to leave any descisions to the parents...Should the hypothermic toddlers have ended up in hospital the situation would have got
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out of hand totally, what with the unwashed Muslim nurses and the fact that nurses now are so busy with paperwork they spend only a bout a third of their time with patients. As long as the forms are correctly filled in the patients are disposable.
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At the same time we are finding that only half of today’s Britons have now ever fished, made a camp-fire or ridden a horse. This is excellent news, such dangerous activities are totally frowned upon by Health ad Safety. Only one in 10 British children has ever played in a field or woodland without adult supervision. Ever.
A generation are growing up who can cope with all new technology but who cannot go to a supermarket without texting home for advice on which sausage to select.As for how to put a living , squiggling wororm on a hook and pull a living squiggling fish out of a lake, something nearly all Swedish children still experience, perhaps the protected Britons are better off? Certainly the British worms are safer.
But are the protected, mobile-phone usinging children not missing out a little, never getting lost, never getting wet, cold or frightened, and above all, never overcoming the difficulties by making a camp-fire and cooking their very own fish?
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Indian Gentlemen have very small Little ones. 27.05.10
There is currently a big fuss being made about 5 cm or so missing off Indian Gentlemen’s little ones. The Pope’s Large Catholic Condoms fall off these Indian little ones and this is why the population of India is ever increasing, whilst the populationof Italy isdependent on immigrants to keep stable.
Recent research shows that Indian Gentlemen are some cm’s smaller than other gentlemen .
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The Pope’s Condoms are not fitting very snugly on these Indian Gentlemen but hope is at hand with all the smaller condoms made for 11 -yearold boys nowadays. There is conflicting evidence as to the female preference, with male advisors claiming the Indian Size is just as serviceable. No research appears to have been made since the Kama Sutra, as to the size of Indian women, internally.
We need a male reporter for this one, step forward, please.
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In the meatime, British men cannot sleep, what with getting older and lacking testosterone and lacking money in the recession they are losing so many hours sleep it is becoming a national problem. Secretly, they also worry about the size of their little ones..
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Health and Safety now takes charge of bringing up the British Children in total Safety.16.05.10
British children must nowadays never play unattended in woodlands or parks. It is very dangerous. They may be abducted and sexually assaulted by Pied Pipers as well as climb trees, which is very dangerous and can lead to broken limbs. Unthinkable. If they had a run on the pavement they might stumble and sustain scraped knees. This must not happen.
Only one child in ten in Britiain has now experienced the freedom of running around in a wood, or in the fields. Nine out of 10 are always acompanied by an adult. Health and Safety is urging smacking to be totally forbidden, as in most of the rest of Europe. Perhaps if the children could run around more they would whine less and require fewer smacks?
They must now only eat healthy food. Health and Safety has forbidden parents to bring in Birthday cakes to Playschools and nurseries. It will make the children obese later in life. They must eat fruit on their birthdays. If they have biscuits in their packed lunches the mother get called in to explain this grave breach of order.
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Children should not play with Farm Animals, because they are dirty and may carry salmonella bacteria. They should not play with dogs because they are too dangerous. Cats have sharp claws. The children may also be allergic to animals. it is better not to take the risk. They may study animals behind glass in a zoo. Dissection may not be unertaken in biology classes because it is both revolting to see the insides of animals and dangerous to handle sharp knives.
In fact, the children are best off in front of the telly, watching politically correct programs at all hours. They must never be read aloud unsuitabkly horrible Fairytales. This could upset anybody.
Black Beauty is also too sad for young sters.
School Sports Days have been replaced by Fitness days because it is very frightening to see sack-races, see left. . There is also the risk of having a winner, or worse, some losers. The children must be protected from this so they can safely go home and watch a horror-movie on the internet. Then they can update their Face Book entries and make friends safely.
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The children are encourage by Health and Safety tor run Internet Gardens and Farms. In this way they learn about growing plants and rearing animals without having to get dirty. Ideal! They learn to harvest bananas and other British crops in a few hours after planting them. This will enable them to understand all about farming.
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Extreme Sports for Pensioners:21.04.10
Many Pensioners actually regard crossing the road as an Extreme Sport. They state that the Green Men last for only seconds and they have no chance to cross..Otherss, like this Chinese Grandma go out for evening walks only to disappear int the pot-holes. Grandma was pulled to freedom after spending 7 hrs in the muddy hole.
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Extreme Sports cause more insurance claims amongst the over 70’s. 18.04.10
There is a new worry: It has been discovered that when Grandpa, aged 87and a half, goes scuba-diving, this is likely to lead to health problems. Today the over 70’s make one fifth of all the insurance claims related to dangerous sports. The odd thing is that this group of aged customers make up only some 5% of the insurance customers.
This tells us that for some reason Granny and Grandpa don’t cope really well with Extreme Sport.
They seem to overrate their abilites. On the other hand, it is commendable that they still feel like taking up Extreme Sports..Perhaps we should be grateful, which is better, years in a home costing a fortune and suffering from Alzheimers, or a minor claim for a broken fibula, caused by Extreme Parachuting?
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If you’re blonde and working for Defra, count your blessings whilst on paid holiday:
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This is not a picture of a pothole. It is a photo of money sinking into Defra, the fastest growing sector of the British Economy. 05.04.10
We know our countrytalk readers are deeply concerned for the countryside, which is being invaded by incomers, administered by slowmoving quangos and faring badly in teh recession with small businesses collapsing righ left and centre whilst our Council Planners prevent any new initiatives whatsoever. They are well paid, our servants on Defra and in the Councnils. Remember: they are our servants.
Defra ( Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs) employs 28..000 people in it’s 67 quangos. It only has a pitiful 8000 core staff, which is probably why it processes claims so slowly.
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If you want a top job in Defra, have go! No experience needed. Pamela Warhust is Chair-person of the Forestry Commission without, so far as is known ever having felled a tree. Lord Rooker is Chairperson of the Food Standards
Agency. It is not know if he can boil a free-range egg, but he gets £54.000 for a 2-day week. Lord Rooker created the Food Standards Agency himself, when he was Minister of the State. A nice one, in retirement! It has 37 committees now , 11 of which are enforcement committes. These run around hampering ordinary working people.
Ken Bodfish, nice name, has been given a lovely seat on the South Downs National Park Authority, a newly created
Park, that obviously never managed without Bodfishes before. No doubt Bodfish will retire on a grand pension, just like our hero, Tony Blair!
Did we not suggest he should be sacrificed at Midwinter?
Frankly, the British are just too kind, now he earns £50 million and we still pay for his security! We give him a pension! Why? Let him go, or at least pay fo rhis own guards, we really wouldn’t miss Tony Blair.
In fact we stand by our earlier statement: Try a 4-year period without politicians. No govenement is needed, we have all the regualtions already and we can govern ourselves. Think of the savings! Think of the incentives to get on and live life, to make things work, to get things going again..In the meantime Defra is costing us £ 1700 per claim processed to farmers. Most claims are small. Defra has to do the difficult job of checking the claim form and the map-refernces. Must take hours of highly quailifies staff, of course. Let alone all their pension funds...
Never mind tha t 3 out of 4 British Farmers live under the poverty line, Defra doesn’t and never will! Nor does it’s employes have to have farming experience.
Good old Defra! For the blondes, life just can’t get any better unless they are male and nearing 60 years old. 05.04.10
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Buy Shares, Quick! 28.03.10
Countrytalk is, as ever, ahead of the game. With the arrival of the very latest type of mobile phone Britain stands a chance of getting out of the recession. This latest model looks set to be a best-seller. At least 50% of the population is male. There is also a substatial, but profitable section who have yet to decide upon their sex.
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100% of the 50% defineitly male, will want to own one of these. It may also be that some female proessionals will be very happy to own one, for safety reasons, only, of course. It is recommended, that if you’re planning to vote in the General Election you should have one, to study the candidates more seriously. There has been far too much importance attached to underwear.With this device you can study if the person is confident, or is dependent on supportive under-garments.
This will be a world best-seller, get in on it quick!
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Do British Politicians have to be Frumpy to succeed? Yes! 27.03.10
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It appears that the British don’t trust female politicians if they look smart,let alone sexy.
Are they right? it could be so, the most memorable British female Politician is still Margaret Thatcjher, who would not have been seen dead without a handbag weapon andd a sturdy bra, probably M&S.
Below we see a most attractive politician from Peru. We fear that she would not have inspired the same confidence in British voters, who prefer scandals..
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looked sexier.. Well, that was not a big achievement, really.
Woman’s Hour has told us that British Women in general, and those in high positions in particular, feel more confident when strapped into sturdy bras.Continental females, especially the chic French feel perfectly happy to wear smart dresses without underwear. And why not indeed?
Should underwear be the measure of a woman’s ability? Or a man’s for that matter?
Do we get thrilling photos of Gordon Brown’s Y-fronts? No, the men are spared this undignified underwear scrutiny. Possibly all prospective candidates for the Position of Prime Minister should pose in their pants.
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Dalai Lama joins Twitter:
04.03.10
The Dalai Lama was having a bit of a problem with his image. Nobody was sure who he was.. So now he’s joined Twitter. He’s got thousands of followers but his interaction is terrible: He folows no-one back.
He doesn’t seem to understand that his followers want words of wisdomn. not adverts about his next appearances. Buddhists are supposedly unworldly and have left the self behind..
Or else they’re just Twittering, like anybody else.
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The Womens’ Institute Cashes In on Foreign Aid for Poor Countries. 25.02.10
Britain has come to an alltime low. Things have been getting worse for a long time. What, with Health and Safety rampages and insurance claims that are getting to U.S. standards. Bad enough, but now we have news that Britain is really taking the biscuit.
Thirld world aid budgets, seemingly destined for staving African Children are being gobbled up by British companies who run 3-year projects to teach French Language Teachers “explore whether tourism could help Maki”. Sure. It can. Especially in Plymouth...
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Devon Development Education has received £ 30. 000 “ to ensure that pre-school children learn about Global Citizenship in nurseries”. Good. That fixes Africa. In 20 years time the pre-school children will rush out there to help. They will always remember those lessons, won’t they.? And in the meantime the Womens’ Insitute can make cakes for the starving African Children with their £ 215.000 grant for interconnectedness.
Everythingis fixed up.
Pity Britain comes out of itl looking greedier than any hungry African ever would. They seem able to retain their human pride.
Possibly they can teach us a lesson. We can pay, with the grants meant for them...As countrypeople we feel ashamed. How can this happen? What is the meaning of the word CHARITY? Perhaps the money would be better spent on teaching pre-school children this humble idea....NOW.
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in reciept of nothing
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The Swiss give us a real surprise, we thought they were wealthy bankers, critisizing the rest of the world from some neutral high ground. Not so: 20.02.10
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Swizz brothels in the Lugano area are under Health and Safety Recommendations to install defibrillators . These are the machines that look like irons and with which paramedics give people terrible elctric shocks to make them arise from the dead and thank the paramedics.The whole issue is very surprising. In Britain we associate the Swiss with dignified clinics where you can search for a graceful death. Now we have learnt that Switzerland is well stocked with Fully Approved and Regulated Healthy Brothels where you are not allowed to die under any circumstances. The city of Lugano, 56.000 inhabitants, has 38 brothels. The staff are being trained in defibrillating the hearts of their elderly Italian clients, who totter over the border for a bit of good clean Swiss sex, only to suffer heart-attacks from the shock. Or is Swiss sex more vigorous? We’re investigating this matter to the very best of our reporters’ abilities.
The cause of the problem may be the little blue pills, reputedly used by the elderly Italian customers.
Well, not to worry, now the staff is fully trained it will be impossible to pass out during this happy activity. Normally this has always been regarded as a good way for a man to leave this planet. Now he will have to be revived in order to go to the dignified clinic next door instead...
The fully legal and healthy brothels generate a around $95 million dollars annually. With the addition of the dignifed clinics it is not surprising that the Swizz are one of the worlds wealthiest nations.
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The breeders of Fighting Bulls despair down in Southern Spain where the lame bulls are currently hobbling around with foot-infections caused by unaccustomed rain. The matadors and toreadors are just hanging around, waiting for them to re-gain the use of their feet as we can see in the photo .
The bulls are currently around 55 kgs under their normal fighting weights, having got too cold and wet to eat up theii damp bull-pellets. This is bad news in Andalucia and Extremadura, where there is huge pride in these animals. To send out unfit fighting bulls i just not macho..It may be necessary for the matadors to carry defibrillators too, to keep the bulls going a bit longer.
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Here we see a wolf, clearly saying he is very sorry indeed. Go to Granny’s Page for a summary of the difference between men and dogs in this matter... Men could do with apologising a bit more. Try the left ear, even. Any ear... Apparently, due to some problem in our brain , we can only hear apologies with our right ears.And we rarely, if ever, hear a sorry, coming from a man...
Tony Blair, whom we selected as a traditional sacrifice for Midwinter, should perhaps listen to this information before we get a rather bigger result than we had anticipated. The man is going to go down the drain. Well, bye bye Tony, no great loss and a big saving on security.
The problem was, he never ate enough eggs. Mrs. Thatcher, like her or hate her, she was at least decisive, ate least two eggs a day and the chicken industry benefited whilst she was in charge. It is not known if she ate a lot of porkies. One of our reporters will have to ask Dennis Thatcher. First they have to eat a lot of eggs and porkies, to brave themselves up. Then they will apologise into his right ear, for this private question...
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Can Pets solve the mid-life non-crisis?26/01/10
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We have just seen a Basque University study that proclaims that women feel guilt more strongly than men. This is particularily true of the 20-30 age group of young men. They don’t feel much guilt at all. Middleaged women are particularily prone to feelings of guilt, according to this new study.Men over 50 also feel more guilty and are more aware of the feelings of other people than young men are.It is really good that a proper study has been made of these matters! No longer will we go around saying that young men are selfish bastards; Now we can say that it is proven that young men are selfish bastards...
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We have in the meantime interviewed a sample of female beatresses fo middle years. It appears that most of them think there is a shortage of romantic buses coming around. The desperate middle-aged ladies sometimes form wonderful new relationships with animals. This is a good thing,as they tend to feel happy about this and don’t suffer any guilt. Other middleaged beatresses claimed not to feel guilt about anything any more. They said their newfound confidence made them totally un-caring about what others might think. Most still do the ironing though, it was observed.
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Life is getting quite complicated though, deprived of the mid-life crisis but prone to feelings of guilt the middle-aged women wait impatiently at the bus-stop. Possibly a new pet will step off the bus. What happens is that oxytocin is released, when you stroke the pet or the young suckle! If it is a lion you pet, oxyocin may combine with adrenaline and you may get hooked on this new pleasure.
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Swans, those birds who mate for life and are the very image of faithfulness and loyalty are now getting divorced.
Britain is in dire streets, trouble within the human families, lack of clear political leaderhip of any kind, constant Health and Safety regualtions...
But for the Swans to be getting divorced is most upsetting. We all knew that female swans sometimes sneak off for a bit of private romance with another chap next door and often have offspring by differing cobs. But they do so discreetly.
In this case, a divorce was followed by both partners turning up at the Swimbridge Wildfowl Centre with new partners. They totally ignored their previous partners.
Clearly a mid-life crisis.65% of divorce cases are initiated by the female, amongst us humans so it is most likely that it was the female who was dissatisfied.
Normally swans stay together until the death of one partner, when the remaining swan will often re-marry.
It may be that in this case alack of offspring led to dissatisfaction and then divborce. We can only hope that the second marriages prove happier for this ex-couple.They go to Rusia for the breeding season, after a rest and outing to the local restaurant at Slimbridge, where they are fed liberally.
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Floor collapses under Swedish Weight-watchers. 15.01.10
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Latest Update on Swedish Wolf-cull, 06.01.10
The Swedish Hunt camne to an end, only 4 days into the Wolf-hunting Season. The Swedes had issued 12.000 hunters with licences to kill the 27 quota of wolves. Surprise, surprise, it was over and done with within the first 3 days. 7 of the wolves were wounded and hunted again, before being killed.The Authorities admit the hunt needs ‘refining’ before next years wolf-hunt.
In the meantime protesters have threatened the hunters, even to the point of death.. well, only by text or telephone, this is not really a violent country.
Andreas Carlgren, the Swedish Minister for the Environment , who regards himself as a Nature Lover, claims this will put an end to inbreeding amoingst Swedish Wolves. We hate to tell him, but the smaller the population, the greater the likelyhood of inbreeding.. Oh well, politicians are the same all the worl dover, seeing to their own fleece first.
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Swedish Wolf Hunt Update, 04.01.10The Swedish Huntes are overjoyed. 10.000 of them have now more or less completed the cull of wolves. Well done hunters, fantastic result. Sweden now has less than her desired 210 wolves. Little Red Riding Hood will be very happy indeed. Apparently the misguided Swedes have become very worried about inner city wolf-attacks when, in all honesty, it is cattle they should be worried about. Innocent cows have killed several people in Britain in 2009, including two vets, who were strolling through fields of grazing cows, with their dogs. Dogs catch the eye of cattle, who can become excited and accidentally trample the walkers, as happened in several cases. Cows have a reputation for being dangerous with a young calf at foot. That’s because they are. Bulls are just plain dangerous. They are very heavy and easily stirred into aggression. This comes of wanting to defend the herd against ..you guessed: Wolves! Apparently one of the reasons the Swedish hunters want to kill the wolves is that the wolves tend to be blamed for the disapperance of very expensive Swedish Hunting Dogs.. Obviouly these all got attacked by wolves. Maybe, indeed some of them did. Maybe some just lost sight of their owners and got lost..The Swedish Forest is vast.
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Swedish Wolf-cull has started. 02.01.09
Some years ago, woves were reintroduced to the wild in Sweden. The experimant has yet again thrown up Man’s unease with this predator. The Swedish Governement (Regeringen) has made an unexpected ruling that a population of 210 is the exactly perfect number of wolves that can be allowed to roam free in Sweden. This is a very tiny number if you are at all familiar with the vastness of the Northern Forests and Mountains.
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Today was the first day of the cull and 9 wolves have already been killed in the county of Dalarna. The county of Värmland also reports that it’s quota is completed on the first day, with another 9 wolves shot. Several more have been injured and the count is expected to rise. There are a reported 10.000 hunters out to shoot a wolf.. The hunt is very regulated and all shots at woves have to be reported. The hunters have to listen to hourly broadcasts, in order that the local quota will not be exceeded. The quota is 27 wolves for Sweden.
Protesters are appealing to the EU as they feel this is too many to be killed from so small a population.
The hunters claim that the wolves are killing rein-deer and also that the hunters dogs are at risk.
As ever, re-introduction tends to meet the same problems that made the species extinct. The Wolf is maybe the most feared predator of all. In it’s heyday it was one of the few species, apart from man, that inhabited nearly all possible ranges of climate. It is also a very sociable animal, which lives in organized packs. Strrangely, humans love the wolves’ descendant, the dog, whilst still hating his wild brother.
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An Open Letter from Our Cat to the Ministry 16/12/09
Dear Sirs,
I am The Vermin Control Officer on a Studfarm. I wus headhunted from abroad. I have international experience and training in hunting mice, birds and rabbits. I don’t like killing rats bicause these are protectid by the wildlife act. Besides they do not taste goodi.
I have my passport and ecucation certificits.I think my conditions of emploiment are poor. I get only my feed (veri poor, catfood onli) my drinks are supplied (fairly fresh millk but no beer at all) and I get Medical costs and parasite controls included. I also get a pension for life and a reserved seat in the Airing cupboard for my retirement home.I get a safty Helmet for work on building sites.
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I get my travel problems sorted out ,but not first class travel. I sometimes manage to upgrade on international journeys. By opening the cage door you can upgrade to the Freedom of the Vehicle Class travel, instantly.
I think I should have appearance cream, for strolling up and down and being seen. I stroll up and down the passageway, just like airhostessings. For this effort I should get better drinks. I should also have holidays in sunny climates, not in global warmings british climate. I have rights to visit my native french country..
I would like proper guidelines on the Wildlfe act. I eliminate vermins and other mammals. Should I have an Operating Licence and Further trainings?
Yours with great concerns,
The Representative for Foreign Working Cats.
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A Statement from the Beater’s Union. Second homes and first class Travel are absolute musts for beaters:
It is time that Beaters campaign more effectively for expenses.Everybody else tavels first class on expenses.All travel to and from work should be paid for by the shoots. If it takes more than 10 minutes to get to the Shooting Grounds a beater should definitly be entitled to a second home in the grounds for the length of the Shooting Season. Overnight stays should be capped at £ 60/night. This would be totally fair.Obviously the beaters should also be able to claim for working clothes and replacement dentures after Beater-wagon accidents.
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These accidents are becoming more and more frequent and compensation for broken teeeth and glasses is reported as pitiful. It is all very well if yopu’re shot dead, compensation may be adequate in those cases, as , normally, you need very little money, once you’re dead. The only way forward is to strike. We must do what the Air Stewardesses, who are also just paid a sort of appearnce money, and like beaters, spend most of the day waiting around with short walks in between the take-off s and lannindgs. Their chief BOGI, the Cabin Service Director, is paid £ 52.000 per annum. This works aout at the same as the peers, around £200 for a 5-day week... So why are the Beaters not striking when they get only a tenth of this sum? Yet they have to work inall weathers. Would aircraft fly in snowstorms or high gales? No.Would pheasants. Yes.
Can airlines fly without Stewardesses? Yes, no problem! So, really they are redundant.
Beaters, on the other hand are essential to the shoots.The birds will not take off over the guns during snow-storms without beaters.
The air-crews are sensible enough to strike when it hurts most and is most noticeable: During the Christmas holidays.Beaters should take care only to strike during the Shooting Season.
We are greatly shocked at the news that peers find their wage of £ 200 for a days’s work derisory. Our Beaters are in an uproar. They also want appearance money. It is much the same sort of thing.. No qualifications needed, learn on the job, free food and drink. A lot of hanging about and sitting around in draughty places...A lot of chatting and hanging about. Tthere are toilets in the House of Parliaments.The Peers never express any gratitude for toilets and hot water. They have no manners.
A particularily surprising claim is that Elderly Peeresses apparently are too frightened to travel home by taxi. Yes, taxi travel is notoriaously worrying, one could dose off and have a frightening dream, for example.Therefore they must have lodgings nearer to their work. They are also unable to share sleeping compartments on trains. They can only travel first class. Obviously, they are first class people and we must all support them. If they had to travel with the masses, they might have to speak to those they represent, and that would just not be correct.
Travel in beater-wagons often frightens the elderly beatresses, with frequent minor accident and the either very young or very elderly and possibly halfblind drivers. Nevertheless, the valiant beatresses only murmur amongs themselves whilst their drivers refresh themselves with alcoholic beverages.
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Holiday Snaps will get you searched by the Police. 04/12/09
The Travelling Photographer on the left is now at risk of being regarded as engaged in helping terrorists! Possibly, in a very cold location, he may be safe from being stopped by a PAIR of police-men and having to account for his activities.
If you take holidays snaps in London, you’re at real risk of being stopped and searched under the Prevention of Terrorism Act. Photographers of Big Ben,St. Paul’s Cathedral and other popular photogenic hotspot are now under constant Police Surveillance. The Police stop and search the photographers and have the right to take them in for questioning if they object. You might have thought the terrorists could find the Houses of Parliament without holiday snaps, but no, you could be providing information.
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The best thing for photographers is probably to stick to Wildlife photos. But, remember, don’t try to actually kill the wild-life. That is now also illegal under the Wild-life Act. Police are even sending in helicopters to arrest the guns, it is far too far to walk. So far, nobody has been arrested for shooting Wildlife with a camera but be careful, it could also become a crime.
The truth is, Britain is becoming a laughing stock.
Apparently searching would be terroroists with cameras helps the Police to fulfill their targets. They have to have an even distribution of ethnic back-grounds, you see, so a few white middle-aged photographers will tick the boxes nicely.
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No More Roast Pigeon? And is Shooting Legal? 02.12.09
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A teenager from Sidmouth has been convicted of killing a pigeon in Exeter, with a skate-board. He then put the pigeon into his ruck-sack, with the intention of cooking it and eating it. A bystander reported him to police, who kept him in custody for 10 hrs and confiscated the pigeon. The Police are doing well with their Christmas Dinners, two geese and a pigeon in the bag already..The Crown Prosecution Office claimed it was int the public interest to proscute young Mr. Thomas, even though he had immediately pleaded guilty.We have to say, if you fancy roast pigeon, perhaps battering the bird to death in a city centre is not the ideal way to set about it. Nevertheless, in a society where we constantly hear that children have no idea where milk comes form, or that potatoes grow in fields, I think Mr. Thomas shoul not be condemned for using a bird of a species that is normally regarded as vermin.
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I We cannot recommend battering birds to death but surely, this is yet again an example of our Nanny State. Could young Mr. Thomas notjust have been told off by senior Officer? He did not have record and sounds a pleasant young man. Times are hard. Roadkill and vermin are a good healthy source of protein, let us be more honest.
Our cat is composing a letter, we believe, he is now very concerned about being prosecuted. His methods of killing are not always totally Defra Approved.
As for where this leaves Shoots, who set out to kill hundreds of birds on the same day, we’re not sure..Are Beaters now Criminals?Or are pheasant regarded as tame birds? If so can you kill them without contravening any acts?
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Make sure your barbed wire faces away from the foot-path, or you may be sued!29/11/09
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This amazing advice on the left is published in the December issue of the Horse Deals Magazine!
If you have to fence off a footpath, you must remember to do so safely. It is a very good idea to put warning signs about electric fences too. But how on earth are the beleagured country-dwellers to erect fences with the barbs pointing away from the foot-paths only?.
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Barbed wire is pretty horrible stuff but it is relatively cheap and very efficient. So far we all agree.
It was invented in 1867, in America, by Joseph F. Glidder, who rejoiced in the title Father of Barbed wire. At first it was greeted as the Devil’s Rope and many of our beaters and beatresses concur.
It was, of course, an outstanding commercial success, used originally for fencing off miles of prairie. A lot of it is now manufactured in China.
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It cancatch innocent wild-life. Deer are frequent casualties in Britain. Horses, with their thin skin easily suffer terrible injuries as they find it difficult to see the wire,or sometimes just skid into it.
The trouble is, it is very efficient as ameans of keeping cattle in. Cattle can get hurt too but they have thicker skin and generally move fairly steadily, thius having time to observe where the fencing is. The most popular fence amongs British livestock farmers is sheep-netting with one or two strands of barbed wire on top, this is very effective for all classes of stock. Clearly the farmers are not paying sufficient attention to the General Public however.
The best solution is clearly to put up a sign warning the public....This one is very suitable in the current conditions.
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If a sign is insufficent, as far as we at Country-talk can see, next to foot-paths it would be best to put up razor-wire... This can be put up so that no spikes face onto the foot-path.
Is that the way forward? it looks rather off-putting.
Perhaps it would help to keep sexually over-excited people out of the slurry-pits, at least..
Farmers already have to contend with keeping bulls and cows with calves at foot away from the foot-paths. Now they must see to the fencing!
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Bizarre Sexual Enjoyments in the countryside. 28/11/09
If seeing this tank of slurry gives you a thrill, be careful, the Police will sniff you out afterwards..
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This is a slurry tank on a dairy farm. They are obviously necessary for holding the slurry ( liquid manure from cows, for not country dwellers) until it can be spread on the land.
David Truscott, a 40 year old from Redruth gets a sexual thrill from climbing into the slurry and masturbating. It is hardly surprising he has to resort to his own devices, finding a partner to share this unusal sex-life may be difficult.
Mr Truscott has already been in prison for committing this offense and has just been caught by police, again covered in slurry.He visits the same farm on these occassions. He has now been jailed for 16 weeks by Truro Crown Court.
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Defence counsel Michael Melville-Shreeve said Truscott was a ''sad, isolated, peculiar man with peculiar habits'' who ''definitely needed help'. One has to agree, although, apart from the smell he appears not to cause much offense. Perhaps a Washing Line for Christmas would help in this unusual case. For more information about country people, go to Sex in the Countryside.
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On most shoots the beaters and pickers-ups park in forlorn woodland clearings, where they board the waiting beater-wagons. Any spare clothing has to stay in the cars, there is seldom much room in the damp wagons, which have the additional hazard of very wet dogs rooting through any personal possessions.
No, beaters listen to the Met Office with passionate interest and dress accordingly. What you start out in, is what you go home in. Only by that time it is normally rather wetter. We really think that those companies marketing clothes which are described as “water-proof” should carry out tests amongs beaters.Many beaters would be willing to test new outfits. Price is no guarantee of surviving a day dry. Beaters are, by the nature of the work, always above the guns, usually in more exposed areas.
The Guns and the Managers of the Shoots seem to have a dislike of “shooting through”.(This means finishing the drives before a late lunch, rather than going out again for adrive after lunch, in wet clothes) Probably God likes to go out and enjoy another drive after lunch. Maybe he’s water-proof.See Beating Line for information.
It has come to our notice that on some shoots the beaters are instructed they must never speak to a gun, although, they may answer Good Morning, should the gun adress them. Beaters should also never walk in front of guns, if they have to share a path. These instructions are mostly just taken for granted, very few beaters would dare to speak to one of those well-dressed and dry demi-gods.
We think it is time for the Beater’s Union to adress the problem of long days in appaling conditions. Perhaps a ruling could be made so that all shoots shot though after November the 1st. or , as an alternative, the beaters could receive a Bad Weather Supplement.
Shooting may appear glamourous but the Beaters feel rather left out. Perhaps God forgot about them? The guns certainly do!
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What to wear in Paris?You could be arrested for wearing trousers. 17/11/09
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Since 1800 there has been a French law that you may not wear trousers in Paris, if you are a woman. If you wish to “dress like a man” you must apply to the police beforehand. The law has eased and in 1892 it was decided that women may wear trousers “when holding the reins of a horse”. In 1909 it was further amended so that women riding bicycles may now legally wear trousers too. If you don’t comply, you may be arested by a police-woman, wearing, guess what, trousers. Policewomen are unfortunatly required to break the law or lose their jobs as their uniform is TROUSERS.Perhaps they apply for daily exemptions, which are readily given.Just fill in the forms!
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Skirts are the only legal wear!
Burt where here do Scotsmen stand? Are men allowed to wear skirts, if women may not wear trousers? The situation needs clarification. Our French friends seldom enforce this law. In England we’re sure the police would be fining us on the spot if we had a similar law.
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Today’s Daily Telegraph carries a large article suggesting that a medium sized dog has as much impact on the environment as aToyota Landcruiser driven 6000 miles per year. ( That seems a very low milage for this type of car, by the way). A cat is equivalent to running a Volkswagen Golf.
The Authors of the new book, Time to Eat the Dog, The real Guide to Sustainable Living, by Robert and Brenda Vale who are now living in New Zealand, a better sustained place which has fewer human inhabitants..
Now, one wonders how on earth this comparison is made?
Apparently a medium sized dog requires164 kg of meat per year, and also 95 kgs of cereals.. But, think for a minute. The dog foood is not made of sirloin steak.
It is made of elderly over-age cows, not allowed into the human food chain under Mad Cow Regulations. It is also made of old broiler hens, past their sell-by date, and of breeding rabbits from the continent, probably also of horses with passports signed as NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION.
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Eat the Dog? Is that the solution to Global Problems? 24/10/09
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It is made of elderly over-age cows, not allowed into the human food chain under Mad Cow Regulations. It is also made of old broiler hens, past their sell-by date, and of breeding rabbits from the continent, probably also of horses with passports signed as NOT FOR HUMANCONSUMPTION.
It is also made of tripe, offal, useless cuts, scraps off the bones, marrow-bone, possibly intestines, certainly grotty bits of fatty tissues and other bits that we spoilt Western Humans would not touch with a barge-pole unless served up very expensively as pigs trotters in a French Restaurant
And have the researchers never fed their dogs left-overs? Dogs adore human left-overs. Better than any dog-food!
As for the 95kg os cereals, this sounds a lot but a single acre of land, in the West, will grow 3 tonnes (3000 kgs) of cereals. And do you really think they put best quality milling wheat, or first class breakfast cereal maize into dog-food? No, think again! Ovbviously it consists of poorer samples, too small, too dusty, not fit for human consumption. One acre of grazing, can in fact produce around 500 kgs of meat per year.
A cat, the Vales state , is much more environventally friendly. It only uses as much energy as a very small car. But many cats work in Agriculture and catch mice and rats.
Apparently we can save the world by keeping rabbits as pets. They can produce 72 kgs of rabbit meat every year, according to the Voles. Presumably we corn-feed the young fattening rabbits but that is ok, they are intended for human consuption.
Ideally, our only pet should be a gold-fish. Are these happy pets though? And do they help exercise our own young? Obviously they can trigger interest, but in many cases they are sadly neglected and suffer boredom in silence.
We should also remember that Western Pets keep vets, l and pet shops, makers of beds, collars, garments, whistles, fleeces, dog-cages, cat-carriers, vaccination certificates, pills, potions, louse-powders, shampoos etc. in business.
And those cars? How much fun do we get out of the Toyota? Can you give it just a couple of eggs and some breakfast cereal if you haven’t had time to fill it up? No, the bloody thing requires constanf filling up and attention
The motor- trade is obviously also doing well with garages and mechanics galore supported by the Toyotas..
We think, by all means, eat the cobs. Fine. Stop supporting all the horse-rescues centres. Eat the more suitable candidates.
But dogs are not very tasty.Foxhunting is not popular because the prey is so tasty, remember that.
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MODERN AIRTRAVEL 26/09/09
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As we can see on the right there is now a very safe new airline operating. For those who are very worried about terrorists, just fly TPA, the Terrorist Free Air-line. There is only one snag, we think you’re allowed very little, if any, hand-luggage. And you may require reading material and your reading glasses during flights. Our Editor is enquiring into this situation.It would obvioulsy be a huge relief not to have to worry about hidden weapons etc. on your flights.
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We feel sure that this airline also uses dog-pilots, just like Ryan-Air. These working dogs are very safe and it is an economical solution to the rising costs of aviation. The dogs are obviously fed on Working Dog Food, which is free of V.A.T., a further saving.
many people have wondered why Ryan Air blows a fanfare after each successful landing. Well, now you know, it is to let the dog know he’s done well, a sort of clicker training.
Using dogs as pilots also has many security benefits, these well trained dogs ignore threats and cannot be intimidated by persons wielding weapons. Nor are they religious. All in all, aviation is coming on a lot. This is a good thing, with the American Holiday, Halloween, soon upon us. It is wellknown athat hordes of single, middleaged women take to the skies in small planes. To be flown by a well-trained dog, at such a risky time, is very reassuring. We hope he’s graduated from the training class in cat-watching, as it is believed by many that some of these single-engined craft are actually navigated by cats.We shall ask Stargazer to talk to one of these cats as soon as one can be located.
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