Country News and Gossip:
 On this page we try to keep up what is going on in the world. We concentrate on those issues we feel will interest Country People the most. Obviously, that is themselves and what goes on in the countryside around them..

Is slurry sexy? Will Barbed Wire keep intruders out?

Handheld mobile Scanners to beat the recession! 28.03.10 Airtravel in the news again

How to say sorry into the right ear,learn from the dogs.04.02.10

Indian gentlemen may wish to change their tiny little ones.27.05.10.

halhal schoolmeals are becoming standard.06.08.10

people go into the countryside anyway. More should and if they are allowed to live nearer the countryside, they might..It’ seems very unlikely planning will be given for huge developments on riverside meadows, clearly not!

Sadly, it was impossible to save the eel’s life. Mr. Nan is recovering but is not feeling any more beautiful yet, rather the reverse.We have to ask, should eels be risked in this manner? They are becoming quite rare and, frankly, we think they should be kept away from penises, if possible.

familiar with the tides, probably, you know how it is, time passes when you’re having fun. Quite soon, it was less fun. The tide came in quickly and teh vehicle was lost to the sea. A local farmer tried to help with his tractor, but it was too late. The vehicle will be pulled out, but we all know how it is with the computers in these modern cars. They don’t take kindly to salt water. It will be a write off. Hopefully the Coastcards have sympathetic insurers.

The behaviour of the Bare Male. 23.09.11
First a suitable beach must be found. This can take hours of walking the coast.
The beach should be ample. It must not be totally deserted because the bare male needs other males to show offf to and females to attract and defend. The males therefore congegrate on special baring grounds.
Upon arrival at the beach, the bare male selects a territory for himself.

 This is defined by either a parasol, which he erects or a small tent, or better still, both these accessories.
Some males, perhaps more recently arrived and paler in colour, can be sen pacing the outskirts of the beach, looking for territories. The territories further away from the car park appear less attractive to the males. When the little tent is ready, the male installs his female in it and perhaps their young offspring and the dog too. He then proceeeds to stand guard outside the little tent for hours. Sometimes he stits down, but never for long.

The female occassionaly sticks some bodyparts into the sunshine but basically keeps most of her body under the tent or parasol. The offspring is kept in the tent nearly all the time.

Country Uprising: Cattle are furious about mistaken sexual identieties. 17.08.11
 The British Press is currently under fire for ‘hacking’. Well no wonder, they cannot tell a cow from a bullock. What is a bullock? A bullock, or steer, is a bull with his testicles hacked off..Country people are fed up reading about cows with their heads stuck in ladders, only to se photos of young steers..Cows are self respecting, mature ladies, who stick to a routine. They nowadays wear pedometers, to see how much they exercisce during the day. Too much standing may indicate they feel a bit low. A lot of walking indicates they are ‘bulling’ or in season and looking for a mate. To their disappointment, no lovley bull will visit them nowadays. The farmer will ring the A.I. man who will turn up with a little dose of sperm in a frozen straw. .

With his help, the cow will hopefully conceive. Otherwise she will become a’ cull cow’. Cull cows go for slaughter because only cows that have calved produce milk. In the olden times, cows lived longer and had longer, but lighter lactations. Nowadays a cow lasts about 4 years in the herd, where she milks heavily. Her heifer (female) calves will be kept for future milk production. The bull calves will be castrated and become bullocks, also known as steers. In the olden days some these were kept on to become oxen and pull the plough, or a cart. They got outmoded by the faster horse, who in turn lost out to the speedy tractor..In some other countries, the oxen are trained on and become faster. If you’re not sure how to identify a bull, look at he neck. He will also have large testicles between his hind legs. It is better to retreat, if he has a large neck and looks cross..

 Dead Granny left to rot in bed for 7 months.14.06.11
 The price of funerals is very high in Britain. it is evidently becoming more profitable to leave the dead in their beds, if you have a spare bed. Keep claiming the pension in our new Big Society, it is so big nobody willnotice. You can’t throw Granny out with the rubbish because the collections are to rare and rats may gnaw at her. Olive Maddock died aged 95, in Britain, in Merseyside but her daughter and grandaughter just left her in bed and claimed her pension. NMobody noticed. They may now be given a prison sentence..Probably they will enjoy prison, a relativly clean and fresh environment where you’re encouraged to watch TV and further your education.

parents couldn’t supply her dream show-jumping horse.
No , Regina trained a heifer, from a young calf, when she a started to lead Luna out, until she found the heifer strong enough to sit on. She broke her in to tack, just like a young horse and Luna has accepted it all and become a star. Luna can be a bit stubborn, and the steering is sometimes not very good, but, then , there are many ponies who suffer from similar problems.
We thoroughly admire Regina for her efforts.Cattle are cheaper than horses to buy, a nice heifer can be found in the £ 350-500 price bracket. They need less feed, seldom need shoeing and generally make a most satisfactory companion for either riding or driving

It appears that men are now getting very concerned about their growing manboobs. This is largely a problem in the current affluent society where overweight and obesity are causing the man-boobs to grow. The most common type of manboob is that seen on the left. Some gentlemen are suffering from a more muscular type of manboob, which is nevertheless often perceived as unattractive by the opposite sex. Steroids used by the muscular type of man, may infact lead to very sore and swelled man-nipples.
 Some man-boobs are caused by hormonal problems, but this is very unusual. The most common cause is overweight.
Rather than exercise and diet, now many men prefer the surgical reduction option.
The only problem, with all this breast surgery, enlargements for the femaels and reductions for the males, let alone both sexes wishing to have other noses, the surgeons are now worried about steppingup into the next tax-bracket. The treashold is coming down without surgery. This would make it not worth the surgeons’ while to delve into these unattractive fatty tissues. Therefore, there is a risk your operations will be put on hold until the surgeons have fixed up sustainable accounts overseas.

The truth about foxes is that they walk on all fours and don’t stand up like 7 yearold children whom they normally fear will kill them. Rightly so, look what the vets do to them! It is true that urban foxes have it easy and will probably live longer than country foxes. Urban foxes have a healthy, varied diet of McDonalds, chewed off ears, children’s dirty nappies and possibly even human corpses awaiting collection with all the other rubbish in our towns. The fox is describes as an Alpha Male. This is very surprising. Foxes neither live nor hunt in packs, they are solitary. Therefore they don’t need anybody to be the Alpha. Vixens look after their families and then mate with dog foxes, who sometimes travel great distances.  The British are buying Kinsize beds in the sales in order to retire early with the lap top. It is safer and warmer in bed. And there are no rats! Yet.

Britain today: A Caring Society. 15.11.10
Our new Governement has now announced the obvious: it cannot manage to look after us in our retirement. it is already taking our pension funds, now it has decided that we can go back to being cared for by our families in our old age.
That’s what happens in other countries, after all and the system works well.

The elderly are often charming, and surprisingly well capable of looking after themselves, if left alone and armed with viscious sticks. If un-armed, they are at risk in the countryside.
The British are now urged by the Goverenment to be more caring and look after their own. This will save billions, leave Granny out to grass for the evening and let nature take it’s course. The huge savings can be used later for ministerial expenses and Health and Safety investigations into what has

gone wrong. For example,Granny was not wearing a fluorescent vest and could have got run over by a motorist. Luckily she was not.

 Indian Gentlemen have very small Little ones. 27.05.10
There is currently a big fuss being made about 5 cm or so missing off Indian Gentlemen’s little ones. The Pope’s Large Catholic Condoms fall off these Indian little ones and this is why the population of India is ever increasing, whilst the populationof Italy isdependent on immigrants to keep stable.
Recent research shows that Indian Gentlemen are some cm’s smaller than other gentlemen .

The Pope’s Condoms are not fitting very snugly on these Indian Gentlemen but hope is at hand with all the smaller condoms made for 11 -yearold boys nowadays. There is conflicting evidence as to the female preference, with male advisors claiming the Indian Size is just as serviceable. No research appears to have been made since the Kama Sutra, as to the size of Indian women, internally.
We need a male reporter for this one, step forward, please.

In the meatime, British men cannot sleep, what with getting older and lacking testosterone and lacking money in the recession they are losing so many hours sleep it is becoming a national problem. Secretly, they also worry about the size of their little ones..

Health and Safety now takes charge of bringing up the British Children in total Safety.16.05.10
 British children must nowadays never play unattended in woodlands or parks. It is very dangerous. They may be abducted and sexually assaulted by Pied Pipers as well as climb trees, which is very dangerous and can lead to broken limbs. Unthinkable. If they had a run on the pavement they might stumble and sustain scraped knees. This must not happen.
Only one child in ten in Britiain has now experienced the freedom of running around in a wood, or in the fields. Nine out of 10 are always acompanied by an adult. Health and Safety is urging smacking to be totally forbidden, as in most of the rest of Europe. Perhaps if the children could run around more they would whine less and require fewer smacks?
They must now only eat healthy food. Health and Safety has forbidden parents to bring in Birthday cakes to Playschools and nurseries. It will make the children obese later in life. They must eat fruit on their birthdays. If they have biscuits in their packed lunches the mother get called in to explain this grave breach of order.

Children should not play with Farm Animals, because they are dirty and may carry salmonella bacteria. They should not play with dogs because they are too dangerous. Cats have sharp claws. The children may also be allergic to animals. it is better not to take the risk. They may study animals behind glass in a zoo. Dissection may not be unertaken in biology classes because it is both revolting to see the insides of animals and dangerous to handle sharp knives.
In fact, the children are best off in front of the telly, watching politically correct programs at all hours. They must never be read aloud unsuitabkly horrible Fairytales. This could upset anybody.
Black Beauty is also too sad for young sters.
School Sports Days have been replaced by Fitness days because it is very frightening to see sack-races, see left. . There is also the risk of having a winner, or worse, some losers. The children must be protected from this so they can safely go home and watch a horror-movie on the internet. Then they can update their Face Book entries and make friends safely.

The children are encourage by Health and Safety tor run Internet Gardens and Farms. In this way they learn about growing plants and rearing animals without having to get dirty. Ideal! They learn to harvest bananas and other British crops in a few hours after planting them. This will enable them to understand all about farming.

 Extreme Sports for Pensioners:21.04.10
 Many Pensioners actually regard crossing the road as an Extreme Sport. They state that the Green Men last for only seconds and they have no chance to cross..Otherss, like this Chinese Grandma go out for evening walks only to disappear int the pot-holes. Grandma was pulled to freedom after spending 7 hrs in the muddy hole.

If you’re blonde and working for Defra, count your blessings whilst on paid holiday:

If you want a top job in Defra, have go! No experience needed. Pamela Warhust is Chair-person of the Forestry Commission without, so far as is known ever having felled a tree. Lord Rooker is Chairperson of the Food Standards
Agency. It is not know if he can boil a free-range egg, but he gets £54.000 for a 2-day week. Lord Rooker created the Food Standards Agency himself, when he was Minister of the State. A nice one, in retirement! It has 37 committees now , 11 of which are enforcement committes. These run around hampering ordinary working people.
Ken Bodfish, nice name, has been given a lovely seat on the South Downs National Park Authority, a newly created
Park, that obviously never managed without Bodfishes before. No doubt Bodfish will retire on a grand pension, just like our hero, Tony Blair!
Did we not suggest he should be sacrificed at Midwinter?
Frankly, the British are just too kind, now he earns £50 million and we still pay for his security! We give him a pension! Why? Let him go, or at least pay fo rhis own guards, we really wouldn’t miss Tony Blair.
In fact we stand by our earlier statement: Try a 4-year period without politicians. No govenement is needed, we have all the regualtions already and we can govern ourselves. Think of the savings! Think of the incentives to get on and live life, to make things work, to get things going again..In the meantime Defra is costing us £ 1700 per claim processed to farmers. Most claims are small. Defra has to do the difficult job of checking the claim form and the map-refernces. Must take hours of highly quailifies staff, of course. Let alone all their pension funds...
Never mind tha t 3 out of 4 British Farmers live under the poverty line, Defra doesn’t and never will! Nor does it’s employes have to have farming experience.
Good old Defra! For the blondes, life just can’t get any better unless they are male and nearing 60 years old. 05.04.10

We have in the meantime interviewed a sample of female beatresses fo middle years. It appears that most of them think there is a shortage of romantic buses coming around. The desperate middle-aged ladies sometimes form wonderful new relationships with animals. This is a good thing,as they tend to feel happy about this and don’t suffer any guilt. Other middleaged beatresses claimed not to feel guilt about anything any more. They said their newfound confidence made them totally un-caring about what others might think. Most still do the ironing though, it was observed.

Life is getting quite complicated though, deprived of the mid-life crisis but prone to feelings of guilt the middle-aged women wait impatiently at the bus-stop. Possibly a new pet will step off the bus. What happens is that oxytocin is released, when you stroke the pet or the young suckle! If it is a lion you pet, oxyocin may combine with adrenaline and you may get hooked on this new pleasure.

 Floor collapses under Swedish Weight-watchers. 15.01.10

Swedish Wolf Hunt Update, 04.01.10The Swedish Huntes are overjoyed. 10.000 of them have now more or less completed the cull of wolves. Well done hunters, fantastic result. Sweden now has less than her desired 210 wolves. Little Red Riding Hood will be very happy indeed. Apparently the misguided Swedes have become very worried about inner city wolf-attacks when, in all honesty, it is cattle they should be worried about. Innocent cows have killed several people in Britain in 2009, including two vets, who were strolling through fields of grazing cows, with their dogs. Dogs catch the eye of cattle, who can become excited and accidentally trample the walkers, as happened in several cases. Cows have a reputation for being dangerous with a young calf at foot. That’s because they are. Bulls are just plain dangerous. They are very heavy and easily stirred into aggression. This comes of wanting to defend the herd against ..you guessed: Wolves! Apparently one of the reasons the Swedish hunters want to kill the wolves is that the wolves tend to be blamed for the disapperance of very expensive Swedish Hunting Dogs.. Obviouly these all got attacked by wolves. Maybe, indeed some of them did. Maybe some just lost sight of their owners and got lost..The Swedish Forest is vast.

Swedish Wolf-cull has started. 02.01.09
Some years ago, woves were reintroduced to the wild in Sweden. The experimant has yet again thrown up Man’s unease with this predator. The Swedish Governement (Regeringen) has made an unexpected ruling that a population of 210 is the exactly perfect number of wolves that can be allowed to roam free in Sweden. This is a very tiny number if you are at all familiar with the vastness of the Northern Forests and Mountains.

Today was the first day of the cull and 9 wolves have already been killed in the county of Dalarna. The county of Värmland also reports that it’s quota is completed on the first day, with another 9 wolves shot. Several more have been injured and the count is expected to rise. There are a reported 10.000 hunters out to shoot a wolf.. The hunt is very regulated and all shots at woves have to be reported. The hunters have to listen to hourly broadcasts, in order that the local quota will not be exceeded. The quota is 27 wolves for Sweden.
Protesters are appealing to the EU as they feel this is too many to be killed from so small a population.
The hunters claim that the wolves are killing rein-deer and also that the hunters dogs are at risk.
As ever, re-introduction tends to meet the same problems that made the species extinct. The Wolf is maybe the most feared predator of all. In it’s heyday it was one of the few species, apart from man, that inhabited nearly all possible ranges of climate. It is also a very sociable animal, which lives in organized packs. Strrangely, humans love the wolves’ descendant, the dog, whilst still hating his wild brother.

These accidents are becoming more and more frequent and compensation for broken teeeth and glasses is reported as pitiful. It is all very well if yopu’re shot dead, compensation may be adequate in those cases, as , normally, you need very little money, once you’re dead. The only way forward is to strike. We must do what the Air Stewardesses, who are also just paid a sort of appearnce money, and like beaters, spend most of the day waiting around with short walks in between the take-off s and lannindgs. Their chief BOGI, the Cabin Service Director, is paid £ 52.000 per annum. This works aout at the same as the peers, around £200 for a 5-day week... So why are the Beaters not striking when they get only a tenth of this sum? Yet they have to work inall weathers. Would aircraft fly in snowstorms or high gales? No.Would pheasants. Yes.
Can airlines fly without Stewardesses? Yes, no problem! So, really they are redundant.
Beaters, on the other hand are essential to the shoots.The birds will not take off over the guns during snow-storms without beaters.
The air-crews are sensible enough to strike when it hurts most and is most noticeable: During the Christmas holidays.Beaters should take care only to strike during the Shooting Season.
 We are greatly shocked at the news that peers find their wage of £ 200 for a days’s work derisory. Our Beaters are in an uproar. They also want appearance money. It is much the same sort of thing.. No qualifications needed, learn on the job, free food and drink. A lot of hanging about and sitting around in draughty places...A lot of chatting and hanging about.     Tthere are toilets in the House of Parliaments.The Peers never express any gratitude for toilets and hot water. They have no manners.
 A particularily surprising claim is that Elderly Peeresses apparently are too frightened to travel home by taxi. Yes, taxi travel is notoriaously worrying, one could dose off and have a frightening dream, for example.Therefore they must have lodgings nearer to their work. They are also unable to share sleeping compartments on trains. They can only travel first class. Obviously, they are first class people and we must all support them. If they had to travel with the masses, they might have to speak to those they represent, and that would just not be correct.
Travel in beater-wagons often frightens the elderly beatresses, with frequent minor accident and the either very young or very elderly and possibly halfblind drivers. Nevertheless, the valiant beatresses only murmur amongs themselves whilst their drivers refresh themselves with alcoholic beverages.

The best thing for photographers is probably to stick to Wildlife photos. But, remember, don’t try to actually kill the wild-life. That is now also illegal under the Wild-life Act. Police are even sending in helicopters to arrest the guns, it is far too far to walk. So far, nobody has been arrested for shooting Wildlife with a camera but be careful, it could also become a crime.
 The truth is, Britain is becoming a laughing stock.
Apparently searching would be terroroists with cameras helps the Police to fulfill their targets. They have to have an even distribution of ethnic back-grounds, you see, so a few white middle-aged photographers will tick the boxes nicely.

  No More Roast Pigeon? And is Shooting Legal? 02.12.09

I We cannot recommend battering birds to death but surely, this is yet again an example of our Nanny State. Could young Mr. Thomas notjust have been told off by senior Officer? He did not have record and sounds a pleasant young man. Times are hard. Roadkill and vermin are a good healthy source of protein, let us be more honest.
Our cat is composing a letter, we believe, he is now very concerned about being prosecuted. His methods of killing are not always totally Defra Approved.
As for where this leaves Shoots, who set out to kill hundreds of birds on the same day, we’re not sure..Are Beaters now Criminals?Or are pheasant regarded as tame birds? If so can you kill them without contravening any acts?

 Make sure your barbed wire faces away from the foot-path, or you may be sued!29/11/09

This amazing advice on the left is published in the December issue of the Horse Deals Magazine!
If you have to fence off a footpath, you must remember to do so safely. It is a very good idea to put warning signs about electric fences too. But how on earth are the beleagured country-dwellers to erect fences with the barbs pointing away from the foot-paths only?.

Barbed wire is pretty horrible stuff but it is relatively cheap and very efficient. So far we all agree.
It was invented in 1867, in America, by Joseph F. Glidder, who rejoiced in the title Father of Barbed wire. At first it was greeted as the Devil’s Rope and many of our beaters and beatresses concur.
 It was, of course, an outstanding commercial success, used originally for fencing off miles of prairie. A lot of it is now manufactured in China.

It cancatch innocent wild-life. Deer are  frequent casualties in Britain. Horses, with their thin skin easily suffer terrible injuries as they find it difficult to see the wire,or sometimes just skid into it.
The trouble is, it is very efficient as ameans of keeping cattle in. Cattle can get hurt too but they have thicker skin and generally move fairly steadily, thius having time to observe where the fencing is. The most popular fence amongs British livestock farmers is sheep-netting with one or two strands of barbed wire on top, this is very effective for all classes of stock. Clearly the farmers are not paying sufficient attention to the General Public however.
The best solution is clearly to put up a sign warning the public....This one is very suitable in the current conditions.

 If a sign is insufficent, as far as we at Country-talk can see, next to foot-paths it would be best to put up razor-wire... This can be put up so that no spikes face onto the foot-path.
Is that the way forward? it looks rather off-putting.
Perhaps it would help to keep sexually over-excited people out of the slurry-pits, at least..
Farmers already have to contend with keeping bulls and cows with calves at foot away from the foot-paths. Now they must see to the fencing!

 Bizarre Sexual Enjoyments in the countryside. 28/11/09
If seeing this tank of slurry gives you a thrill, be careful, the Police will sniff you out afterwards..

Defence counsel Michael Melville-Shreeve said Truscott was a ''sad, isolated, peculiar man with peculiar habits'' who ''definitely needed help'. One has to agree, although, apart from the smell he appears not to cause much offense. Perhaps a Washing Line for Christmas would help in this unusual case. For more information about country people, go to Sex in the Countryside.

On most shoots the beaters and pickers-ups park in forlorn woodland clearings, where they board the waiting beater-wagons. Any spare clothing has to stay in the cars, there is seldom much room in the damp wagons, which have the additional hazard of very wet dogs rooting through any personal possessions.
No, beaters listen to the Met Office with passionate interest and dress accordingly. What you start out in, is what you go home in. Only by that time it is normally rather wetter. We really think that those companies marketing clothes which are described as “water-proof” should carry out tests amongs beaters.Many beaters would be willing to test new outfits. Price is no guarantee of surviving a day dry. Beaters are, by the nature of the work, always above the guns, usually in more exposed areas.
 The Guns and the Managers of the Shoots seem to have a dislike of “shooting through”.(This means finishing the drives before a late lunch, rather than going out again for adrive after lunch, in wet clothes) Probably God likes to go out and enjoy another drive after lunch. Maybe he’s water-proof.See Beating Line for information.
It has come to our notice that on some shoots the beaters are instructed they must never speak to a gun, although, they may answer Good Morning, should the gun adress them. Beaters should also never walk in front of guns, if they have to share a path. These instructions are mostly just taken for granted, very few beaters would dare to speak to one of those well-dressed and dry demi-gods.
We think it is time for the Beater’s Union to adress the problem of long days in appaling conditions. Perhaps a ruling could be made so that all shoots shot though after November the 1st. or , as an alternative, the beaters could receive a Bad Weather Supplement.
 Shooting may appear glamourous but the Beaters feel rather left out. Perhaps God forgot about them? The guns certainly do!

 What to wear in Paris?You could be arrested for wearing trousers. 17/11/09

Since 1800 there has been a French law that you may not wear trousers in Paris, if you are a woman. If you wish to “dress like a man” you must apply to the police beforehand. The law has eased and in 1892 it was decided that women may wear trousers “when holding the reins of a horse”. In 1909 it was further amended so that women riding bicycles may now legally wear trousers too. If you don’t comply, you may be arested by a police-woman, wearing, guess what, trousers. Policewomen are unfortunatly required to break the law or lose their jobs as their uniform is TROUSERS.Perhaps they apply for daily exemptions, which are readily given.Just fill in the forms!

 Skirts are the only legal wear!
Burt where here do Scotsmen stand? Are men allowed to wear skirts, if women may not wear trousers? The situation needs clarification. Our French friends seldom enforce this law. In England we’re sure the police would be fining us on the spot if we had a similar law.

 Today’s Daily Telegraph carries a large article suggesting that a medium sized dog has as much impact on the environment as aToyota Landcruiser driven 6000 miles per year. ( That seems a very low milage for this type of car, by the way). A cat is equivalent to running a Volkswagen Golf.
The Authors of the new book, Time to Eat the Dog, The real Guide to Sustainable Living, by Robert and Brenda Vale who are now living in New Zealand, a better sustained place which has fewer human inhabitants..
Now, one wonders how on earth this comparison is made?
Apparently a medium sized dog requires164 kg of meat per year, and also 95 kgs of cereals.. But, think for a minute. The dog foood is not made of sirloin steak.
 It is made of elderly over-age cows, not allowed into the human food chain under Mad Cow Regulations. It is also made of old broiler hens, past their sell-by date, and of breeding rabbits from the continent, probably also of horses with passports signed as NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION.

 Eat the Dog? Is that the solution to Global Problems? 24/10/09

 It is made of elderly over-age cows, not allowed into the human food chain under Mad Cow Regulations. It is also made of old broiler hens, past their sell-by date, and of breeding rabbits from the continent, probably also of horses with passports signed as NOT FOR HUMANCONSUMPTION.
 It is also made of tripe, offal, useless cuts, scraps off the bones, marrow-bone, possibly intestines, certainly grotty bits of fatty tissues and other bits that we spoilt Western Humans would not touch with a barge-pole unless served up very expensively as pigs trotters in a French Restaurant
And have the researchers never fed their dogs left-overs? Dogs adore human left-overs. Better than any dog-food!
As for the 95kg os cereals, this sounds a lot but a single acre of land, in the West, will grow 3 tonnes (3000 kgs) of cereals. And do you really think they put best quality milling wheat, or first class breakfast cereal maize into dog-food? No, think again! Ovbviously it consists of poorer samples, too small, too dusty, not fit for human consumption. One acre of grazing, can in fact produce around 500 kgs of meat per year.
A cat, the Vales state , is much more environventally friendly. It only uses as much energy as a very small car. But many cats work in Agriculture and catch mice and rats.
Apparently we can save the world by keeping rabbits as pets. They can produce 72 kgs of rabbit meat every year, according to the Voles. Presumably we corn-feed the young fattening rabbits but that is ok, they are intended for human consuption.
Ideally, our only pet should be a gold-fish. Are these happy pets though? And do they help exercise our own young? Obviously they can trigger interest, but in many cases they are sadly neglected and suffer boredom in silence.
 We should also remember that Western Pets keep vets, l and pet shops, makers of beds, collars, garments, whistles, fleeces, dog-cages, cat-carriers, vaccination certificates, pills, potions, louse-powders, shampoos etc. in business.
 And those cars? How much fun do we get out of the Toyota? Can you give it just a couple of eggs and some breakfast cereal if you haven’t had time to fill it up? No, the bloody thing requires constanf filling up and attention
The motor- trade is obviously also doing well with garages and mechanics galore supported by the Toyotas..
 We think, by all means, eat the cobs. Fine. Stop supporting all the horse-rescues centres. Eat the more suitable candidates.
But dogs are not very tasty.Foxhunting is not popular because the prey is so tasty, remember that.

 MODERN AIRTRAVEL 26/09/09

As we can see on the right there is now a very safe new airline operating. For those who are very worried about terrorists, just fly TPA, the Terrorist Free Air-line. There is only one snag, we think you’re allowed very little, if any, hand-luggage. And you may require reading material and your reading glasses during flights. Our Editor is enquiring into this situation.It would obvioulsy be a huge relief not to have to worry about hidden weapons etc. on your flights.

We feel sure that this airline also uses dog-pilots, just like Ryan-Air. These working dogs are very safe and it is an economical solution to the rising costs of aviation. The dogs are obviously fed on Working Dog Food, which is free of V.A.T., a further saving.
many people have wondered why Ryan Air blows a fanfare after each successful landing. Well, now you know, it is to let the dog know he’s done well, a sort of clicker training.
Using dogs as pilots also has many security benefits, these well trained dogs ignore threats and cannot be intimidated by persons wielding weapons. Nor are they religious. All in all, aviation is coming on a lot. This is a good thing, with the American Holiday, Halloween, soon upon us. It is wellknown athat hordes of single, middleaged women take to the skies in small planes. To be flown by a well-trained dog, at such a risky time, is very reassuring. We hope he’s graduated from the training class in cat-watching, as it is believed by many that some of these single-engined craft are actually navigated by cats.We shall ask Stargazer to talk to one of these cats as soon as one can be located.