Country News and Gossip:
 On this page we try to keep up what is going on in the world. We concentrate on those issues we feel will interest Country People the most. Obviously, that is themselves and what goes on in the countryside around them..We also try hard to report from Country Sporting Events of note. ,health advice for women on wine and coffee,  banks are back attracting borrowers, new Baths Spa steams on the Moor advice for cats. Top information about Exmoor inhabitants. ,

Swedish Wolves are Massacred whilst floor collapses under the weightwatchers.

11.01.10 Robotic Misstresses,who can chat about football, perfection for men? Will the dolls improve the teenagers’ vocabulary?See below. Are pets the answer for the women 26.01.10?

How to say sorry into the right ear,learn from the dogs.04.02.10 Killer killer whale kills trainer. 26.02.20

In realitye no new businesses or existing ones are allowed at all by the planners. Everything is standing still and public toilets are being closed down.

Not so in Japan where the toilet can give you a massage, air-blow you dry, gently lift you up, if yous houle collapse from the unaccustomed shock. Obviously it glows in the dark so there is no need for ridicioulously expensive loo-paper. Obviously, the seat is heated, that goes without saying.
We hope somebody in MidDevon applies to manufacture some of these excellent toilets.It is the way to clai, EU funding and outdo Cambridgeshire, all in one go.

Whilst we struggle with technology, the apes enjoy themselves. They would like Japanese Toilets..

 Many people deny we have developed from our primate ancestors. To be honest, there can be no doubt, look how easily the orangutang on the right has adopted to technology.
So have humans, a Korean couple recently let their own premature baby die from starvation whilst they tended to an Avatar baby on the Internet all day. The Avatar thrived, wholst the real baby died. Apparently there are now lovley, peaceful games which encourage children to plant rice, beans, sugar-beet, tea and other crops. These grow, as crops do, in a set time after the planting and have to be harvested. Lo and behold, the British children arise at 6am to harvest their tea.
In themeantime their mothers are desperatly trying to get them to help with digging the vegetable garden and grow a few carrots of theri very own. No chance, like the Avatar baby, the internet is much more reliable, fun and involves no real physical effort or monetary sacrifice..Real babies sometimes cry horribly, whatever you do.. That would never apply to an Avatar who will grow by 100grammes if you press a button at the right time.
 Another of our ancestors, the Bonobo Chimpansee, a very rare animal is very peace-lovingand sociable. Bonobos hate to dine alone so much that they will gladly share their last morsel, seemingly just for the pleasure of the company.

Amongst Bonobos, the females are in charge. The males have lost nothing however. They get plenty of sex, the females and the other males are all very easy-going. The males also get plenty of invitations out to dinner. All they have had to give up is infanticide, which, common amongst other apes is not practised amongst bonobos. If a male looks unsettled, somebody will just give him a kiss or two and peace will return. These miniture chimps really do seem to have solved many ofl ives litle problems in their own peaceful manner. As they say, men are from Mars and Bonobos are from Venus.
Bonobos are absolutly charming but we fear they will not make human politicians..But, just maybe we’re wrong, their own politics go ver well..
They would never close a brothel down, that is for sure!

Bonobos don’t need brothels, they are from Venus, all of them.

Whilst Police in Lee Mill, near Plymouth busy themselves getting very excited at having discovered a house of ill repute near Tesco’s car park in the village, our Queen and her escort, are entertaining Mr. Jacob Zuma, who is, by our standards rather prolific. He has at least 5 wives and has fathered around 20 children.
His current wife is very happy to have been the one chosen to represent South Africa abroad

We dont’ wish to cause any embarrassements, but why are we welcoing a polygamist with open arms whilst shutting down a perfectly repectable brothel in Lee Mill? A plain clothes police-man visited the brothel first. He expected resistance but was politelly asked to come in and confirm his appointment.
 During the police visit several men came to the door, with appointments.Well,. is this illegal in Britain? Or is it lack of training and Health and Safety defibrillators? If so, should we supply training with defibrilliators and applaud the initiative in cash-strung Britain?

In the meantime , the Swizz, ever ahead of the rest of us have launched the Hotshot, a condom for 12-yearold boys. it is extra small. The Swizz, correctly, think this might be a fantastic export opportunity to Britain, who leads the Western World with teenage pregnancies...Perhaps Mr. Zuma can take a batch home to try out in his country too?

Tilikum was now a mature whale of around 6000 kgs and measuring over 22 feet in length, the biggest whale in captivity.
One morning in 1999 a man was found dead in Tilikum’s pool. The cause of death was drowning, although he had been bitten as well. The man was thought to be an intruder.
Because of this past record, Tilikum is always on his own and nobody ever gets in the water with him. So now he pulls them in himself, by the hair, it seems. We can hardly blame him, he must be bored to tears. He can expect to live well into his 60’s. Is it right to keep him like this? Would you keep a dog like that? He may be much more intelligent than a dog, he has a large brain but he communicates by sounds we can’t hear and navigates by sonar. He cannot be let out into the wild as he was captured too young to have learnt how to hunt. Or has he taught himself? We think the time has come to say goodbye to this type of attraction. Vote with your feet. Go elsewhere.

in reciept of nothing

 The Swiss give us a real surprise, we thought they were wealthy bankers, critisizing the rest of the world from some neutral high ground. Not so: 20.02.10

 Swizz brothels in the Lugano area are under Health and Safety Recommendations to install defibrillators . These are the machines that look like irons and with which paramedics give people terrible elctric shocks to make them arise from the dead and thank the paramedics.The whole issue is very surprising. In Britain we associate the Swiss with dignified clinics where you can search for a graceful death. Now we have learnt that Switzerland is well stocked with Fully Approved and Regulated Healthy Brothels where you are not allowed to die under any circumstances. The city of Lugano, 56.000 inhabitants, has 38 brothels.  The staff are being trained in defibrillating the hearts of their elderly Italian clients, who totter over the border for a bit of good clean Swiss sex, only to suffer heart-attacks from the shock. Or is Swiss sex more vigorous? We’re investigating this matter to the very best of our reporters’ abilities.
The cause of the problem may be the little blue pills, reputedly used by the elderly Italian customers.
Well, not to worry, now the staff is fully trained it will be impossible to pass out during this happy activity. Normally this has always been regarded as a good way for a man to leave this planet. Now he will have to be revived in order to go to the dignified clinic next door instead...
The fully legal and healthy brothels generate a around $95 million dollars annually. With the addition of the dignifed clinics it is not surprising that the Swizz are one of the worlds wealthiest nations.

 The breeders of Fighting Bulls despair down in Southern Spain where the lame bulls are currently hobbling around with foot-infections caused by unaccustomed rain. The matadors and toreadors are just hanging around, waiting for them to re-gain the use of their feet as we can see in the photo .
The bulls are currently around 55 kgs under their normal fighting weights, having got too cold and wet to eat up theii damp bull-pellets. This is bad news in Andalucia and Extremadura, where there is huge pride in these animals. To send out unfit fighting bulls i just not macho..It may be necessary for the matadors to carry defibrillators too, to keep the bulls going a bit longer.

British Confusion about Sexual Identity. 17.02.10

If you have an accident, or if you see a child drowning: Don’t call for the Police. Due to Health and Safety Regulations they are uanble to jump intpo freezing riversto try to save people. Possibly the offficers can’t swim anyway. Even if they can swim they are happy to stand on the river-banks and watch 5-yearold children drown.Yesterday Police from West Mercia took 97 minutes to arrive on the scene and a further 12 minutes to assist the drowning child. Gabriella McGrady, 5, is now in intensive care, critically ill..The car, driven by her father, Chris McGrady, plunged into the river Avon yesterday.Mr. McGrady was trying to get better access to his children in a divorce case. Plunging them into rivers is not the best wauy forward but that is not the point. The point is that British Police care more about regulations than drowning children. If you witness an accident, try to alert any passer by. It will be better than trying to get the police, who will not be able to act anyway!

We have in the meantime interviewed a sample of female beatresses fo middle years. It appears that most of them think there is a shortage of romantic buses coming around. The desperate middle-aged ladies sometimes form wonderful new relationships with animals. This is a good thing,as they tend to feel happy about this and don’t suffer any guilt. Other middleaged beatresses claimed not to feel guilt about anything any more. They said their newfound confidence made them totally un-caring about what others might think. Most still do the ironing though, it was observed.

Life is getting quite complicated though, deprived of the mid-life crisis but prone to feelings of guilt the middle-aged women wait impatiently at the bus-stop. Possibly a new pet will step off the bus. What happens is that oxytocin is released, when you stroke the pet or the young suckle! If it is a lion you pet, oxyocin may combine with adrenaline and you may get hooked on this new pleasure.

Swans, those birds who mate for life and are the very image of faithfulness and loyalty are now getting divorced.
Britain is in dire streets, trouble within the human families, lack of clear political leaderhip of any kind, constant Health and Safety regualtions...
But for the Swans to be getting divorced is most upsetting. We all knew that female swans sometimes sneak off for a bit of private romance with another chap next door and often have offspring by differing cobs. But they do so discreetly.
 In this case, a divorce was followed by both partners turning up at the Swimbridge Wildfowl Centre with new partners. They totally ignored their previous partners.
Clearly a mid-life crisis.65% of divorce cases are initiated by the female, amongst us humans so it is most likely that it was the female who was dissatisfied.
Normally swans stay together until the death of one partner, when the remaining swan will often re-marry.
It may be that in this case alack of offspring led to dissatisfaction and then divborce. We can only hope that the second marriages prove happier for this ex-couple.They go to Rusia for the breeding season, after a rest and outing to the local restaurant at Slimbridge, where they are fed liberally.

 Swan Divorce Cases on the up. 24.01.10

This is a mute swan, in a bad mood. The Swimbridge Swans are Bewick Swans, in fact. The Bewick Swan is smaller and has a different beak.

The Ideal Solution for Guns:
Countrytalk thinks we have to accept that shoots must move with the times and make the guns more comfortable. We can see in our Shooting Forum that many beaters have been struggling in the cold weather. No mention has been made of the struggles of the guns. Why should they have to pay so much to stand on freezing pegs in the middle of nowhere?
No, it is time to get real. Shoot sneed more income. The best thing they can do is to improve the peg-positions. A shoot that provides hot water-tubs, saunas at soup-time, maybe a little light massage after shooting is going to get more shooters than the others. It will also suit the many slightly elderly guns, some of whom have difficulties in standing.
This new initiative looks to be the way out of the recession and will also benefit the local planning departments, local builders, makers of hot-podsds and other appliances. Local masseuses will also be able to increase their earnings.23.01.10

 Floor collapses under Swedish Weight-watchers. 15.01.10

Men have always liked to create women to suit themselves, My Fair Lady, being the classic example.
Foxy Loxxy should prove very popular. Perhaps she can even improve on the vocabulary of those teenage boys?
The dolls will retail at around £ 4.500.
 We would also like to inform you that a French company is Marketing Sex-toys for dogs. Currently we have no photo of this toy, which is intended to stop male dogs from being sexually active with people’s legs... If they have their own Roxy, they can stay happy with that and leave the legs alone. This one is called the Hot Dog and retail at £ 350. It raises the question of where to keep it though..

Apart from that we hear grit is now to be rationed, whilst swine flu vaccinations are to be sold off, or given to poor countries. The pandemic has petered out. Precautions are still being taken in the Eastern Block it seems.
A terrible discovery has been made: During cold weather people drink even more alcohol. The Governement will shortly start an expensive campaign to inform us of the terrible dangers of drinking more than 18 litres of pure alcohol per person in a year. When this campaign starts, the weather will turn milder.
There is also a risk of other outbreaks of colds, flu, sore throats etc. due to people staying indoors where they are breaking all internet dating statistics. Have a drink!

Swedish Wolf Hunt Update, 04.01.10The Swedish Huntes are overjoyed. 10.000 of them have now more or less completed the cull of wolves. Well done hunters, fantastic result. Sweden now has less than her desired 210 wolves. Little Red Riding Hood will be very happy indeed. Apparently the misguided Swedes have become very worried about inner city wolf-attacks when, in all honesty, it is cattle they should be worried about. Innocent cows have killed several people in Britain in 2009, including two vets, who were strolling through fields of grazing cows, with their dogs. Dogs catch the eye of cattle, who can become excited and accidentally trample the walkers, as happened in several cases. Cows have a reputation for being dangerous with a young calf at foot. That’s because they are. Bulls are just plain dangerous. They are very heavy and easily stirred into aggression. This comes of wanting to defend the herd against ..you guessed: Wolves! Apparently one of the reasons the Swedish hunters want to kill the wolves is that the wolves tend to be blamed for the disapperance of very expensive Swedish Hunting Dogs.. Obviouly these all got attacked by wolves. Maybe, indeed some of them did. Maybe some just lost sight of their owners and got lost..The Swedish Forest is vast.

Swedish Wolf-cull has started. 02.01.09
Some years ago, woves were reintroduced to the wild in Sweden. The experimant has yet again thrown up Man’s unease with this predator. The Swedish Governement (Regeringen) has made an unexpected ruling that a population of 210 is the exactly perfect number of wolves that can be allowed to roam free in Sweden. This is a very tiny number if you are at all familiar with the vastness of the Northern Forests and Mountains.

Today was the first day of the cull and 9 wolves have already been killed in the county of Dalarna. The county of Värmland also reports that it’s quota is completed on the first day, with another 9 wolves shot. Several more have been injured and the count is expected to rise. There are a reported 10.000 hunters out to shoot a wolf.. The hunt is very regulated and all shots at woves have to be reported. The hunters have to listen to hourly broadcasts, in order that the local quota will not be exceeded. The quota is 27 wolves for Sweden.
Protesters are appealing to the EU as they feel this is too many to be killed from so small a population.
The hunters claim that the wolves are killing rein-deer and also that the hunters dogs are at risk.
As ever, re-introduction tends to meet the same problems that made the species extinct. The Wolf is maybe the most feared predator of all. In it’s heyday it was one of the few species, apart from man, that inhabited nearly all possible ranges of climate. It is also a very sociable animal, which lives in organized packs. Strrangely, humans love the wolves’ descendant, the dog, whilst still hating his wild brother.

 A suggestion for the New Year: A Traditional Sacrifice should be held. We have selected Tony Blair as the most appropriate person to volunteer to be sacrificed. He is clearly eminently spareable.Nevertheless, in spite of having done the country,(especially the country) no good whatsoever, he is costing £ 6 million a year for security protection alone. This is because he travels so much. His team of bodyguards are costing £ 16.000 a week, alone.
In the two years since leaving Office ( is it only 2 years, surely it is a life-time?) Whitehall sources say he has earned £18 million in income and cost £12 million to maintain in security...No doubt he pays tax and claims no expenses. As far as countrytalk can ascertain, the expenses are for Tony Blair alone, there may , of course be some further minor expenses for Mrs. Blair.
We think a re-enactmentt of a Midwinter Sacrifice, to bring the Sun back and bring good crops would end the recession with the subsequent better mood that would prevail.
it would not be necessary to bodily sever Mr. Blair’s head from his body. He could just be left without his 20 body- guards, to see what would happen. Probably nobody would raise a finger to him any longer.
Mr. Blair has declined to comment on this matter. He is probably abroad for Christmas in order to avoid the un-gritted icy roads of Britain.
 British Surgeons are developng a New Operation:
In order to give relief to high blood-pressure, surgeons destroy a nerve, that signals an increase in pressure. We suggest a trial of a simpler kind of minor operation: a little valve which could be used for old-fashioned blood-letting, which instantly reduces the pressure too. It could be tried on Mr,. Blair, as an experiment. We are sure he will then volunteer to help Britain out of the recession. Surplus blood can be recycled in the usual manner.26/12/09

These accidents are becoming more and more frequent and compensation for broken teeeth and glasses is reported as pitiful. It is all very well if yopu’re shot dead, compensation may be adequate in those cases, as , normally, you need very little money, once you’re dead. The only way forward is to strike. We must do what the Air Stewardesses, who are also just paid a sort of appearnce money, and like beaters, spend most of the day waiting around with short walks in between the take-off s and lannindgs. Their chief BOGI, the Cabin Service Director, is paid £ 52.000 per annum. This works aout at the same as the peers, around £200 for a 5-day week... So why are the Beaters not striking when they get only a tenth of this sum? Yet they have to work inall weathers. Would aircraft fly in snowstorms or high gales? No.Would pheasants. Yes.
Can airlines fly without Stewardesses? Yes, no problem! So, really they are redundant.
Beaters, on the other hand are essential to the shoots.The birds will not take off over the guns during snow-storms without beaters.
The air-crews are sensible enough to strike when it hurts most and is most noticeable: During the Christmas holidays.Beaters should take care only to strike during the Shooting Season.
 We are greatly shocked at the news that peers find their wage of £ 200 for a days’s work derisory. Our Beaters are in an uproar. They also want appearance money. It is much the same sort of thing.. No qualifications needed, learn on the job, free food and drink. A lot of hanging about and sitting around in draughty places...A lot of chatting and hanging about.     Tthere are toilets in the House of Parliaments.The Peers never express any gratitude for toilets and hot water. They have no manners.
 A particularily surprising claim is that Elderly Peeresses apparently are too frightened to travel home by taxi. Yes, taxi travel is notoriaously worrying, one could dose off and have a frightening dream, for example.Therefore they must have lodgings nearer to their work. They are also unable to share sleeping compartments on trains. They can only travel first class. Obviously, they are first class people and we must all support them. If they had to travel with the masses, they might have to speak to those they represent, and that would just not be correct.
Travel in beater-wagons often frightens the elderly beatresses, with frequent minor accident and the either very young or very elderly and possibly halfblind drivers. Nevertheless, the valiant beatresses only murmur amongs themselves whilst their drivers refresh themselves with alcoholic beverages.

The best thing for photographers is probably to stick to Wildlife photos. But, remember, don’t try to actually kill the wild-life. That is now also illegal under the Wild-life Act. Police are even sending in helicopters to arrest the guns, it is far too far to walk. So far, nobody has been arrested for shooting Wildlife with a camera but be careful, it could also become a crime.
 The truth is, Britain is becoming a laughing stock.
Apparently searching would be terroroists with cameras helps the Police to fulfill their targets. They have to have an even distribution of ethnic back-grounds, you see, so a few white middle-aged photographers will tick the boxes nicely.

  No More Roast Pigeon? And is Shooting Legal? 02.12.09

I We cannot recommend battering birds to death but surely, this is yet again an example of our Nanny State. Could young Mr. Thomas notjust have been told off by senior Officer? He did not have record and sounds a pleasant young man. Times are hard. Roadkill and vermin are a good healthy source of protein, let us be more honest.
Our cat is composing a letter, we believe, he is now very concerned about being prosecuted. His methods of killing are not always totally Defra Approved.
As for where this leaves Shoots, who set out to kill hundreds of birds on the same day, we’re not sure..Are Beaters now Criminals?Or are pheasant regarded as tame birds? If so can you kill them without contravening any acts?

 Bizarre Sexual Enjoyments in the countryside. 28/11/09
If seeing this tank of slurry gives you a thrill, be careful, the Police will sniff you out afterwards..

Defence counsel Michael Melville-Shreeve said Truscott was a ''sad, isolated, peculiar man with peculiar habits'' who ''definitely needed help'. One has to agree, although, apart from the smell he appears not to cause much offense. Perhaps a Washing Line for Christmas would help in this unusual case. For more information about country people, go to Sex in the Countryside.

On most shoots the beaters and pickers-ups park in forlorn woodland clearings, where they board the waiting beater-wagons. Any spare clothing has to stay in the cars, there is seldom much room in the damp wagons, which have the additional hazard of very wet dogs rooting through any personal possessions.
No, beaters listen to the Met Office with passionate interest and dress accordingly. What you start out in, is what you go home in. Only by that time it is normally rather wetter. We really think that those companies marketing clothes which are described as “water-proof” should carry out tests amongs beaters.Many beaters would be willing to test new outfits. Price is no guarantee of surviving a day dry. Beaters are, by the nature of the work, always above the guns, usually in more exposed areas.
 The Guns and the Managers of the Shoots seem to have a dislike of “shooting through”.(This means finishing the drives before a late lunch, rather than going out again for adrive after lunch, in wet clothes) Probably God likes to go out and enjoy another drive after lunch. Maybe he’s water-proof.See Beating Line for information.
It has come to our notice that on some shoots the beaters are instructed they must never speak to a gun, although, they may answer Good Morning, should the gun adress them. Beaters should also never walk in front of guns, if they have to share a path. These instructions are mostly just taken for granted, very few beaters would dare to speak to one of those well-dressed and dry demi-gods.
We think it is time for the Beater’s Union to adress the problem of long days in appaling conditions. Perhaps a ruling could be made so that all shoots shot though after November the 1st. or , as an alternative, the beaters could receive a Bad Weather Supplement.
 Shooting may appear glamourous but the Beaters feel rather left out. Perhaps God forgot about them? The guns certainly do!

 It is made of elderly over-age cows, not allowed into the human food chain under Mad Cow Regulations. It is also made of old broiler hens, past their sell-by date, and of breeding rabbits from the continent, probably also of horses with passports signed as NOT FOR HUMANCONSUMPTION.
 It is also made of tripe, offal, useless cuts, scraps off the bones, marrow-bone, possibly intestines, certainly grotty bits of fatty tissues and other bits that we spoilt Western Humans would not touch with a barge-pole unless served up very expensively as pigs trotters in a French Restaurant
And have the researchers never fed their dogs left-overs? Dogs adore human left-overs. Better than any dog-food!
As for the 95kg os cereals, this sounds a lot but a single acre of land, in the West, will grow 3 tonnes (3000 kgs) of cereals. And do you really think they put best quality milling wheat, or first class breakfast cereal maize into dog-food? No, think again! Ovbviously it consists of poorer samples, too small, too dusty, not fit for human consumption. One acre of grazing, can in fact produce around 500 kgs of meat per year.
A cat, the Vales state , is much more environventally friendly. It only uses as much energy as a very small car. But many cats work in Agriculture and catch mice and rats.
Apparently we can save the world by keeping rabbits as pets. They can produce 72 kgs of rabbit meat every year, according to the Voles. Presumably we corn-feed the young fattening rabbits but that is ok, they are intended for human consuption.
Ideally, our only pet should be a gold-fish. Are these happy pets though? And do they help exercise our own young? Obviously they can trigger interest, but in many cases they are sadly neglected and suffer boredom in silence.
 We should also remember that Western Pets keep vets, l and pet shops, makers of beds, collars, garments, whistles, fleeces, dog-cages, cat-carriers, vaccination certificates, pills, potions, louse-powders, shampoos etc. in business.
 And those cars? How much fun do we get out of the Toyota? Can you give it just a couple of eggs and some breakfast cereal if you haven’t had time to fill it up? No, the bloody thing requires constanf filling up and attention
The motor- trade is obviously also doing well with garages and mechanics galore supported by the Toyotas..
 We think, by all means, eat the cobs. Fine. Stop supporting all the horse-rescues centres. Eat the more suitable candidates.
But dogs are not very tasty.Foxhunting is not popular because the prey is so tasty, remember that.

It is as well to consider though, that there is no cooling off period for the resulting babies.In the breeding stakes you get what you get and there is no sending it back...It makes us wonder about the future though. What if you can buy the pregnant womb, already artificially full of somebody lese’s baby... What if it turns out that you don’t like the baby that much?
Should you sue the provider ot the egg, the womb or maybe the surgeons? Or have you only yourself to blame? In this one instance you cannot blame your mother!

 MODERN AIRTRAVEL 26/09/09

As we can see on the right there is now a very safe new airline operating. For those who are very worried about terrorists, just fly TPA, the Terrorist Free Air-line. There is only one snag, we think you’re allowed very little, if any, hand-luggage. And you may require reading material and your reading glasses during flights. Our Editor is enquiring into this situation.It would obvioulsy be a huge relief not to have to worry about hidden weapons etc. on your flights.

We feel sure that this airline also uses dog-pilots, just like Ryan-Air. These working dogs are very safe and it is an economical solution to the rising costs of aviation. The dogs are obviously fed on Working Dog Food, which is free of V.A.T., a further saving.
many people have wondered why Ryan Air blows a fanfare after each successful landing. Well, now you know, it is to let the dog know he’s done well, a sort of clicker training.
Using dogs as pilots also has many security benefits, these well trained dogs ignore threats and cannot be intimidated by persons wielding weapons. Nor are they religious. All in all, aviation is coming on a lot. This is a good thing, with the American Holiday, Halloween, soon upon us. It is wellknown athat hordes of single, middleaged women take to the skies in small planes. To be flown by a well-trained dog, at such a risky time, is very reassuring. We hope he’s graduated from the training class in cat-watching, as it is believed by many that some of these single-engined craft are actually navigated by cats.We shall ask Stargazer to talk to one of these cats as soon as one can be located.

 Smelly Exmoor knickers: The Truth will out! 21/09/09

The Exmoor Beaters are calling for a well-known Authority on knickers to step in and air the problem. On the other hand, the Queen Mother was very against the washing of dirty linen in public.It is hard to know if this issue should be swept under the carpet or washed at 95 degrees C.

Today’s Exmoor beaterwagon conversation centred on which are the most suitable underpants for beatresses to wear.
To Gamebird’s surprise the less middleaged beatresses all favoured thongs, which , they claim are the most comfortable of all pants.
The more highly middleaged beatresses favoured cotton bloomers with sturdy gussets. The shock to Gamebird was the revelation that some beatresses think a washing-machine cycle of only 15 mins is sufficient for these ‘smalls’.    Gamebird and two other slightly more middleaged beatresses consider a long program on 60C the minimum treatment for underpants and socks! Another slightly ageing beatress, who is very smart on the outside, stated that she wears washed out bloomers of a uniform grey colour at all times. These can be studied on her washing line. She considered a 95C wash cycle ncecessary.
Gamebird, for your information favours Primark underpants of the little colourful shorts variety. On bad days she wears black ones but not many people are aware of this. Sometimes she wears patterened M&S high-cut pants but these have lost their shape speedily (after only 2 years) in only 60 C washes.
A middle-aged tester has been found to try the tong theory. We will, of course, notify you of the outcome. Gamebird refuses to wear thongs unless reassured these will not rub on her sensitive parts whilst walking or riding. We know all the trouble she had during the middle-aged dressaging...She has serious misgivings about thong design. When we have the results of these trials we shall update Beating Line with advice.
In the meantime we fear that Liz Jones is probably right, people who wash their underpants for only 15 minutes may well smell to refined London noses....No wonder the dogs are always sniffing around and giving Australian kisses.!

 This is very important advice for working cats: 01/09/09

If the stress gets to you, or if you think your children are becoming hoodigans, take the time out to go to a proper art exhibition. There is nothing like it for proper relaxation and starting to feel the value of the better things in life. And that is what cats do best. Leave over-excitment and struggles to the dogs. Enjoy working on the computer. If they install Pawsense, just leave and find a better home. You know you’re worth it!

If you lack a Modern Tate, just find the nearest Ikea mirror and let yourself dream...Ikea Mirrors are well worth the investment!
Cats should feel good about themselves at all times.

Bank Holiday Stress.

 As you can see, the stress is already afflicting the cats very badly. Mistakes will now occur. This could cost the British Economy £153.000, or even more, depending if we add in the insurance claims as cost or as benefit. It is always hard to work these possible losses out to the last penny. Losses tend to occur even if you don’t work them out. We need to consult with a Pet Insurance Expert and also with an Office Work Insurance Agent. In the meantime, the Police-Dogs are very happy about better pay and conditions, see our Beloved Police. It is just as well, now that the hoodie cats are roaming the streets. Good job we can rely on the dogs!

Stessed cats to be made redundant by a Computer Program called Pawsense

  National Park Designated Sauna Bath at last for the Moorland Community.27/08/09

We’re delighted to announce that the Debate surrounding the Exmoor National Park’s Purchase of Blackpitts Bungalow, in order to pull it down and ‘restore nature’ for only £ 100.000 has been solved at last. After a sustained and effective protest by the house-less locals, the Park will restore the bungalow. originally, it was to be re-furbished and rented out, thus benefitting only one local family and costing a further £100.000 in restoration costs and updating it to ‘Incomer Standard. The locals were not happy.
After much deliberation the ENP has decided to spend only £ 73.000 and create a Japanese Style Communal Bath witha Scandinavian Sauna and Massage Parlour. Now both locals and tourists will benefit, as they do at Bath Spa. We’re delighted to be the first with this report. Independent Advice must be taken as to the staffing and installations in the massage-parlour.

Above we can see the much debated bungalow, Blackpitts, as it is now. To the right we see the planned cubicles for saunas and steam-baths. We really feel that this scheme is going to be of the outmost importance, both in raising the local profile for tourists from very clean countries, such as Japan, and for the benefit of the locals beaters and farmers.M/s Jones will be very welcome to visit the new fascilities.

The Inhabitants explain the situation.Baths are simply over-rated. Update25/08/09

 If the winter has been very long and hard he may also have a bath at the end of May. Mr Roberts claims that the effect of not bathing is that the smell of hard work, sweat etc. just somehow gets absorbed by the woolen garments which he wears all the year round. It is true that our reporter could only detect a faint smell of damp wool and damp dog about Mr. Robert’s person. This is a very normal smell for all rural inhabitants, even those who have baths every day. We are certain that the Duchess of Cornwall, who graced our front pageyesterday, is very similar, in fact, with a bit of horse added, perhaps, and a little organic Duchy smell.
Interestingly, both Mr and Mrs. Roberts like to wear the cast-off clothing of wealthier friends and relatives. This is an excellent form of recycling. They do not frequent Primark.Mrs. Roberts has at least 3 baths per year.

 
 Many of the inhabitants of the moor maintain, that as they get wet every day there is no further need for showering.
Our reporter, Annie, who has worked as a foreign planter-woman on the aforementioned blueberry farm, during which time she studied the cleanliness habits of the managerial forces, of course, as one does, and made notes. She has also held a corner in many a beater wagon and insists that there is no need for showers. She personally has to have a very hot bath after every visit to Exmoor, to warm up again.She did smell of horse and dog, we noticed, yet another incication of the uselessness of cleanliness..
 Other incomers are known to have installed saunas for survival. But if you judge by clothing, it is very difficult to tell who is important on Exmoor. Incomers and tourists generally show more skin. The locals tend to cover up well. Beaters who show a lot of skin are generally newcomers.

As for teeth, well, here the incomers from the USA score very highly. This is indeed a fairly certain way of telling your older Exmoor family from incomers. But M/s Jones is wrong, this applies to the whole of rural Britain. The shortage of goodNHS dentists in England is very alarming indeed
As for the private dentists, well they make excellent incomes on Exmoor. From the incomers, of course.Here we see a few beaters.

Exmoor Inhabitants up in Arms! 22/08/09
 A new book by Liz Jones, who apparently inhabits a very cosy farm-house near Dulverton, has published abook, The Exmoor Files, at (£12.99 rather dear for the rural inhabitants) which apparently condemns the locals, particularily the farmers for being smelly and unfashionable. And worse is to come: they send the dear little lambs off to slaughter whilst they are still breast-feeding! And they hunt and shoot wild-life. They exterminate Rats.

M/s Jones feeds her rats organic oats during the winter, to keep the poor little things going. She also resusitates mice brought in by her cat and keeps them in her shoe-boxes under the bed. Her horses drink bottled water only. We direct her to the Happy Hackers on Stabletalk....She finds that the farmers have no teeth or fashion sense ( our countrytalk editor is very hurt, after all the help we give people with our fashion-page!) and they SMELL! This is true, in fact. If she takes a trip in a beater-wagon or goes out hunting she will be quite overwhelmed by all the smells, that is for sure. Well, this book sounds a real laugh and will sure be a best-seller in the area.
For ourselves, we find Exmoor delighful, it’s small but precious wilderness, it’s locals, the wealthy incomers, everyone can find something on Exmoor. Exept perhaps M/s Jones. or is she joking?
 There is only one thing very wrong: The House-prices! these are way above what any of the rural locals can afford and too many houses stand empty in the villages, to be used as wealthy people’s second homes only. But Exmoor, it has so much to offer, it can be so lovely. And always remember to take another layer, it is always bloody freezing up there !And there are business opportunities awaiting saunas and massage parlours! Perhaps a Mobile Beater-cleaner-bath?

 Important Health Advice: 10/08/09

Gamebird has been very busy studying the effects of red wine and caffeine. White wine appears neither beneficial nor detrimental so she recommends that you drink white wine if you feel a little uncertain. Red wine is definitley beneficial except for the liver, which may suffer slightly .But you have to weigh this up against the benefits for the heart, the digestion, the lessend risk of Alzheimers disease ( you die before you get too bad, this is good news for drinkers of alcoholic beverages).
Caffeine (in coffee or Mars bars) is also now though much more benefical than previously realized. It will NOT improve your athletic performance by very much. This is a sad disappointment for our athletes, but it’s not really worth feeding it to racehorses or Tour de France cyclists, as it will not improve performance noticably ( any secretary could have told you that) but will show up alarmingly well in dope tests and ruin any further career plans most effectively.
Swedish studies have shown that coffee drinkers have significantly lower chance of heart disease. The study, of 27.000 coffeedrinking women, followed for 15 years showed that tose who drank 1-3 cups of coffee/day had 25% less risk of heart-disease than women who never drank coffee.
 A Japanese suvey of 90.000 men and women for ten years also found that those who drink two cups of coffee per day have 50% less risk of succumbing to cancer of the liver compared to those who never drink coffee.

Obviously excercise is most important and we show the benefit of wine combined with exercise here. This really is the ultimate solution to the eternal dilemma of how to combine pleasure with the healthgiving benefits of exercise..
We cannot recommend this approach to the problem highly enough. All beaters who have failed to secure Beating Contracts for their remaining holidays are recommended to go in search of grape-harvesting and wine-procucing work instead.

Make sure that coffee is served at every availabe break before you sign up. The notion that you need a pee instantly afterwards has been scientifically proven to be in the mind only, unless you drink cappucinos in quick succession, in which case there may be some local bushes available, we hope. For those who still worry about the alcohol content, we have moved this excellent piece of advice up to the top of the page. Just drink more and have better lives, fellow beatresses!